May 19, 2005

Since when is cynical a bad thing?

I was telling my sister the other day that I was tired of screening the same old boring pregnancy questions over and over at work and other social gatherings with people that I don’t know very well (note: it’s different with friends and family, for whatever reason). She claimed that I was cynical. The nerve! Just think how much more interesting life would be if we could push back all the bull$hit and say what we REALLY wanted to say..........

Question: Did I hear you are pregnant?
Answer: Yes! (gushing)
Fantasy Answer: No. Why? Do I look pregnant?

Question: How are you feeling?
Answer: Great! (gushing)
Fantasy Answer: I am quickly realizing why everyone claims the 2nd trimester is the “best” one where you feel “great”. It’s easy to say that about a trimester that is bookended by two hellish trimesters. If THIS is good, gee, I can’t WAIT to hit the 3rd one.

Question: Are you excited?
Answer: Yes! (gushing)
Fantasy Answer: No! I wanted new living room furniture and instead I got THIS. (point to mushrooming stomach).

Question: Is your husband excited?
Answer: Yes! (gushing)
Fantasy Answer: What husband?

Question: What are you having?
Answer: We don’t know yet - I haven’t had a sonogram yet. (gushing)
Fantasy Answer: Rosemary’s baby.

Question: Do you want a boy or a girl?
Answer: I don’t care as long as it is healthy. (honestly)
Fantasy Answer: I’m hoping for a kung fu fighting hamster.

Question: Have you picked out a name yet?
Answer: No, we are going to wait and see what the kid is first. (resignedly)
Fantasy Answer: We decided to go with something non-traditional in the form of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics - the Baby Formerly Known as “It”.

Question: Is your husband going to quit traveling when the baby comes?
Answer: No, he doesn’t have a choice when it comes to travel and we like to eat. (resignedly)
Fantasy Answer: Yes. We are going to live off our credit cards for awhile and see how that works. Food, schmood.

Question: You’re going to stay home with the baby? Boy, aren’t you lucky?
Answer: Yes. (humbly)
Fantasy Answer: Well, I guess we were Lucky as we worked our asses off through college and then got good jobs where we worked even more. I guess we were Super Lucky that X got full-ride scholarships for his degrees, because we are feverishly trying to get MY student loans paid off before the kid comes.

Question: Are you going to get a 4 door car?
Answer: No. I am going to see how it works with the 2 door since it is already paid off. It may be inconvenient, but it will be worth not having a car payment. (logically)
Fantasy Answer: The kid can’t ride in the trunk?

Question: Are you going to have drugs when you give birth?
Answer: YES. (emphatically)
Fantasy Answer: YES. You sadist. I had drugs when my wisdom teeth were taken out and I damn well will have drugs for THIS.

Question: Do you have a theme for the nursery?
Answer: No. (emphatically)
Fantasy Answer: We were thinking S&M, but thought the whips and chains would be a little over the top so we decided on just plain Gothic.

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