If you stare long enough, you begin to realize that it was just belly-button lint all along.

Regarding my last post that may or may not have touched a nerve, rest assured that I am not lazing about secure in the knowledge that I have got It All Figured Out.  I will spend my lifetime attempting that particular goal.   But I do want to be a better person.  A more efficient communicator.  And I want to show my children how to be true to themselves within relationships without losing sight of who they are.  Something at which I fail spectacularly and quite often.

The primary point of the post was for me to nail a public notice to a tree declaring who I am and for what I would like to stand along with a free-standing invitation to unsubscribe, unfollow, unfriend if you are so inclined.  I do get tired of mincing words or obsessively proofreading comments, emails and posts in the vain effort to not offend folks.  Because I always manage to offend.  Always.

My friend Jackie and I were talking about this last Friday.  And one of the things that I love about Jackie is that she and I can have a discussion, disagree heartily, then continue on with our friendship.  No drama, no hurt feelings.  Just two intelligent, educated women having a conversation without an end goal of persuasion or victory.

Jackie pointed me to a recent post on The Velveteen Mind and as Megan puts it so eloquently and aptly:

I know I’m a good mom and I make informed decisions.  They may not be your decisions, but fortunately for you, I’m not your mom.

I took the quote out of context because I did not feel it needed a context.  Babycakes, those words can stand on their own.  And I believe what particularly struck me about Megan's quote was the "informed" part.  I try very hard to inform myself on a daily basis.  This includes,  books, magazines, the Internet and a bit of radio.  Sometimes TV, but I primarily use the TV for entertainment. And my friends. I love coaxing opinions out of folks (currently, I am pressing people for their thoughts on allowances - how to dispense and how much.)  I have said it here before, I do not know a single "bad" mom.  Not a one.  Oh sure, I read about them in the news but in my personal life I am quite fortunate to be surrounded by positive role models.

Listen up, folks. We could all cobble together our own little Momifestos like I did in that last post.  A Momifesto based upon each of our unique perspectives, experiences and desires for our children. But in the end, we can all carry Megan's words as our personal Momtras.  Because those are words to live by.

Anyway, I think I have explored enough the soft, round lump that is my belly and will be returning to pithy posting shortly.  Bear with me and thank you for your patience as I expose the frozen underbelly of my icy heart while I work through these weird "living the best life" thoughts rambling aimlessly in my brain.  Since my FIL's death, I have had to think long and hard about what I would like my children to be thinking on my own grave.

Pissing off people Left and Right.

It is inevitable that I will irritate or anger people with my social media updates.   'Tis unavoidable since many of my Twitter followers swing to the left and a good portion of my Facebook friends tend to hang to the right. I am not a Democrat.  I am not a Republican.  I love foul language but cringe at grammatical errors and typos.  I am a co-sleeper who is anti-CIO, but thinks anti-vax advocates are irresponsible.  I believe in the civil rights of gays and lesbians.  I am anti-abortion, but pro-choice.  I am against socialized health care but believe in the legalization of marijuana. I am a blue smurf in a blood-red state.   I love Kansas with all my heart while rightfully,  I am ashamed of my state for its ignorance.  I am a former vanilla-flavored Christian, turned Muslim, turned Catholic, turned anti-dogma of any kind.  Someone who always believed in Evolution and the sheer logic of science first, regardless of which holy tome she happened to be perusing. I am someone who sends my kids to school located in a church because while I am anti-religion, I am not opposed to my children learning about it or being exposed to it.

Lately, I have to think "What do I want for my children??  What do I want them to learn from me??"

I want to teach my children to be who they want to be and to not be afraid to speak up for themselves.  Regardless of whom they may anger.  I want to teach them that passivity is not a virtue, but neither is meaningless war upon innocents.  I want to teach them to laugh at themselves first, and only then, can they laugh at others but that it is always preferable to laugh with others..  I want to teach them to never stop learning and reading and exploring. I want to teach them to never, ever just take someone's word for something and to actually research and read for themselves.  I want to teach them to always look at the other side of things, to at least take the time to learn about it.  I want to teach my children not to rely on the quaint mythologies of others as solemn text, but to regard those stories as something simply to consider, not necessarily something to live by.  And certainly not as a tool for denying people their civil and basic human rights.  And I want to teach my children to not cloak their hatred and discrimination in a thick shroud of "belief".  I want to teach them how to say sorry when they have hurt others.  To apologize, without excuse.  And I want them to be able to walk away when apologies owed to them are not forthcoming.  Walk way....walk away.....

And I hope I can muster up enough mothering skills to teach them all of this.

I still have much to learn myself.

First? I need a saddle.

Routine? We don't need no stinking routine!

 

Monday, I waited patiently for a doctor's call about the Sinus Infection That Will Not Call Uncle.  Then, I waited patiently for a prescription to be filled (For the record, Team Chaos did not wait so patiently, which probably explains why chocolate and contraceptives are located so tantalizingly close to the Target pharmacy waiting area.)  This is my 2nd round of antibiotics and yes, I did take the 1st round responsibly.  

This has been going on since the 1st week of January and after about 4 days, as soon as I realized I most likely had a sinus infection, I went to CVS where I was promptly turned away with instructions to take some Skittles, or something close to that for all the relief it held.  The problem with those drive-by clinics is that they do not know me and my own personal, very serious concern on how antibiotics are over-used.  Conversely, my own doctor does know me and when I went to see her a week later, she immediately knew I was not getting all Cry Baby on her, this was not just a virus-laden head cold, and that yes, something needed to be prescribed.

So, Prescription #2 was began late Monday night and yes, I took it with a small meal.  And very soon after taking it, I was hovering over the toilet purging that small meal along with what seemed to my soul (or maybe, that was just my kidney - it is all blurry now.)  Anjali patted my shoulder saying "It's okay, Mama.  It's okay". Whoa.  She just needs to learn how to hold my hair back and she'll be ready to rush sororities this fall, no?

Oh and it is so very convenient to have a jetlagged husband around the house who is wide awake at 5am to do a Sprite run.  Ahhhhh, Sprite - that soothing elixir that has truly stood the text of time, high-fructose corn syrup or not, it hit the spot.

And speaking of Jet Lag, that little bastard has teamed up with Insomnia as of late.  It seems they are bound and determined to procreate with the purpose of unleashing some little Supreme Dark Overlord of Sleep Deficit upon the human race.  Literally, Manoj and I are two zombies passing during the night and day.

I think none of this is making sense.  But, I hate to leave you with weird ramblings so about chewing on this?  

Last week a friend of mine on Facebook posted the following: "is seriously annoyed when people say "thinking positive/good thoughts" in regards to something...really do you think your "good thoughts" will have an effect on the outcome??? I guess if that were true and you had "bad thoughts" people would be dropping off all around......"

 This entry had me thinking really hard.  Frankly, I was a little hurt and a mite insulted.  I send positive thoughts to folks a lot.  I do not pray and to say that I would pray for someone is a lie.  I would hope that sending positive thoughts would be acceptable regardless of religious affiliation.  Should it not be about the intent of the sentiment itself?  I want to lend online support to a friend, but I do not pray.  Furthermore, a few weeks ago, I received so many kind thoughts and prayers myself.  Both were equally acceptable to me and I was very grateful to have so many friends sending me nice words and gestures.  And no, I do not want to snark on my friend, because that accomplishes nothing.  Besides, there is no right and wrong here.

However,  I am left wondering now how many others I have offended with my "sending good thoughts" message.

Sigh.  And now I am also wondering if it was wrong to post someone's Facebook status here, even if I have given that person a head's up that I was doing so (i.e. this is not behind her back.)  For example, I would not post an email without permission, but it seems a status is fairly public.

I think.

Redirect.

As I tweetled about last night, Manoj is home from India, bleary-eyed, but his underwear is intact.  It will take awhile to get back to our routine, but I am glad he is back and will probably grant him a week's reprieve in grousing about Inappropriate Sock Placement.  'Tis the least I could do.

In a conversation with someone today, it came to light that I subscribe to a particular hate blog.  The person expressed disappointment that I would subscribe to such a site.  And I see her point.

I subscribe to the hate blog because awhile back, they directed nastiness towards a friend of mine and I did jump in the fray to defend her. I mainly peruse the feeds to see if my friends are bagged on again.  But I do periodically question the waste of my time seeing such vitriolic tripe, particularly, since I do not even read most of the sites referenced.  I have not cleaned out my feed reader for awhile, perhaps I need to get to some early spring cleaning.

While I ponder this,  I am going to redirect you to my guest post over at Brit's crib,  With a Little Help From My Friends.  She is on an extended bedrest and I am asking folks who have been on bedrest for advice.  

What lies beneath.

Mama, do you know why I look sad?  Because I miss Daddy. - Anjali

I had expected the kids to be crying a lot more.  Or to be verbally expressing how much they miss Manoj.  Instead, I am getting quirky behavior from Arun.  A little more defiance, less impulse-control, more whining, less smiles.  Many evenings, he will say something like "I am hungry, but Daddy isn't here and you won't get me food."  Now, trust me, gentle reader, I do get him food.  But I think the statement is a telling one nonetheless.  And Anjali periodically points to the clock and insists that "Daddy is coming home at 3 o'clock, Mama.  3 O'CLOCK."  

And we continue on - me trying to keep up with work (and credit card fraud. FUN) all while trying to distract them from Manoj's absence.  

So, yes.  Overall, there has not been much fuss with them, nothing overt.  Until I realized this morning a reason why this might be the case.  I have not been discussing Manoj much for fear of "reminding" them of his absence.  This morning, I understood what a deliriously idiotic thing I had done - as if my children would forget their daddy is gone. My chest hurts and I feel such a failure right now. What can I do now?  Well, for starters,  I can begin to talk about Manoj more and gently prod them to do so as well.  And we can start making our "Welcome Home" signs for the airports and while we are at it, make some signs for the house, too.  Maybe, just maybe, while we are coloring, cutting and pasting, we can talk.  A little.

I suppose, I think children are such simple creatures and would have simply just told me what was swirling around in their little melons, but no.  That would have been too easy.

And so, we keep going on.

For all that I do not like about being a WAHM, I do like this - my job is so positive.  All day long, I see thoughtful, loving messages being sent along with gift cards.   Silly messages from children to parents on their anniversaries.  Loving messages from parents who simply miss their child who is far away in college and might appreciate a few tacos or some much-needed coffee.  Little messages that give a pal a gentle ribbing about the Broncos losing while settling a friendly wager. Heartfelt messages along with gas cards, restaurant cards and drugstores to a family who is busy running to hospitals and doctors as they care for a very sick child. I am so proud of my husband for creating something that makes it a bit easier for folks to be thoughtful and loving towards each other.

All last week long, I saw those messages amongst strangers..  And I saw your messages to me.  The emails, texts, voicemails, blog comments, Twitter replies and Facebook comments  

Thank you.  My heart grew 3 sizes last week.