June 27, 2007

Anyone got a postage stamp that I can borrow?

Dear Mom,
This post is not about you. Well, THIS part of the post is about you, but really, this post is not about you.

Your favorite daughter (only because J doesn't read this!),
Cagey

P.S. You better visit me in the hospital!

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Dear Anjali,
Oh baby girl, we are so very excited to meet you. In fact, we've consulted our calendars and it appears that this Saturday would really work out best for us. If you could arrange your schedule accordingly, it would be most appreciated.

Thanks!
Mama

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Dear Arun,
Remember all those kicks and head butts you've been delivering to your baby sister all these months? The gig is up and I have to warn you that revenge is a dish best served cold. A revolution is coming, my little friend.

Good luck!
Mama

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Dear Vanessa, Pearson and Harry,
After all your patience with the addition of one kid, I regret to inform you that another one will be arriving shortly. I hope you find it in your fuzzy little hearts to forgive us someday.

Sincerely,
Mama

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Dear Blue,
Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps Steve might be a little slow?

Sincerely,
Reluctant Fan

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Dear Drunken Northside Neighbor,
What sort of Heartless Whore doesn't return a little boy's ball when it happens to bounce over the fence into her yard? Oh right, that Heartless Whore would be you.

Yours truly,
The Southside Neighbor Who Hates You

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Dear Producers of Big Love,
Since you've already brought on board half the cast of Veronica Mars, why don't you just go ahead and bring on the lovely Miss Mars herself? I bet she can figure out why the hell ALL the women in Juniper Creek are wearing that ONE freaky assed hairstyle.

Sincerely,
Faithful Fan

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Dear Pregnancy Hormones,
Make a choice. Oily face OR itchy elbows. BOTH are not options. While you're at it, tell that renegade cousin of your Post-Natal Hormones to not bother showing up, his services won't be needed.

Faithfully yours,
Cranky Pregnant Bitch

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Dear Cashier at Kinko's,
When you asked what sort of baby I was having and I replied "A girl" and you said "Oh, I bet you are grateful" as you clucked towards my SON, I bet you didn't realize how much I wanted to smack you. Get a fucking clue.

Pissed off,
Cranky Pregnant Bitch

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My Dearest X,
Your son puts his shoes back in the shoe basket, throws his trash away, grabs a napkin when he spills his water, closes cabinet doors, and in general, likes things to be in place. He's only 20 months old.

Hint, hint....
The Love of Your Life

10 comments:

Brit said...

ROTFLMAO

Blondie said...

Dear Cagey,

Your letters are cracking me up. And I'm very excited about the new baby. Hurry up and push her out!!

Love,
Blondie

Christy said...

You are hilarious Cagey. Every time I check your blog, I am positive that I will see a picture of your new little baby. So Sunday sounds good Anjali. Get on that! Pronto!

Modern Day Hermit said...

hahahaha, priceless.

I especially enjoyed the 20 month old putting things away and cleaning up after himself, I can so relate, lol.

FFF said...

Love the letter to Arun. His very own Che Guevara is arriving soon, and hopefully on Saturday!

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

X is crossing his fingers Anjali takes after him. lol.

Goofy Girl said...

Loving the last letter. I'm totally stealing that idea.

Hugs! Hope Anjali grants your delivery wish for this Saturday!

Rozanne said...

Like Christy, every time I click on your blog lately, I'm expecting some BIG NEWS.

Will tomorrow be the day? Or maybe Anjali will hold out and be a 4th of July baby. Would that suck or not suck? I don't know.

Lisa said...

Dear Cagey.

If I'm ever your way, I'd LOVE to meet you. I think we'd have alot to laugh about. You are awesome. And if you ever get your husband to do those things, let me know. Mine doesn't do that kind of stuff either.

One of your many MO fans,
Lisa

Scribbit said...

Funny funny lady :)

And why do people say the rudest things? Do they mean to or are they just stupid?