Do you think?

Dear Manager,

Just a few follow-up items that I have been thinking about since our meeting last week regarding the upcoming Board of Governor's visit. While cubicle tidiness and dress guidelines are definitely items that should be noted and dealt with, I’d like to propose a few other things:

1. Smokers should not be allowed to wear sweaters EVER and should be tied down and forcibly given breath mints. I used to be a smoker and was always conscientious of the need for mints. You would think that oral hygiene is common sense, but unfortunately that skill must be inversely related to nicotine levels. Would it be uncouth of me to heave in the next smoker's lap who has the nerve to breathe his/her nasty a$$ breath in my face? Do you think the Board would mind? Really?

2. Extended personal conversations should be kept at a minimum. I don't care how my co-worker's weekend went. I am not concerned about little Johnny's eating habits. If I did care, I would actually spend time with these people at moments other than those in which I am compensated monetarily. Even then, the rate of pay I am eligible for is quite questionable in light of the company I am required to keep. People should be going to the cafeteria for said conversations (or if a smoker, to the Pit). Personal phone conversations should also be kept at a minimum or taken someplace other than a person’s cubicle. I don't care that my co-worker's mother does not have access to email and must have all cyber jokes read out loud to her.

Thank you,
Your heartless, disgusted employee