Where were you?

A Retrospective of New Year Eves Past

1980 As throughout my early childhood, I would have been spending New Year's eve with Normal Olathe Grandma - snuggled up on the couch with her and my sister down in her family room, watching the ball drop on TV. I LOVED going to grandma’s house when I was a kid. Every Christmas day, we would go to my grandma’s and the whole clan would fill the house to the brim. At the end of the day, my parents would go on home for a Kid Free week and return New Year’s day to retrieve us. 1980 would have been the last New Year’s Eve my parents ever spent together - that year during their Kid Free week, my parents were packing our things so that my mom could move my sister and I out of the house and to a new town.

1985 My mother and step-father banish all kids from the living room, leaving us to fend for ourselves that evening. It was a long and lonely one.

1990 Asshole #1 and his roommates always threw kickass parties - with New Year’s being the king of all parties for the year. I don’t miss Asshole #1, but man oh man, those parties were the ultimate college parties. The special thing about those parties with the international crowd was that the music was great, the booze exotic and the patronage a mish mash of culture where homeland clashes were left at the door. I've never drank from a beer bong, but dammit, I knew how to do the lambada .

1995 I went to Westport with Really Nice Guy But Still Didn't Want to Marry Him. Really Nice Guy and I had an awesome, traditional New Year's Eve partying at the Hurricane.

2000 My first New Year’s eve with X. It was a low-key night spent at a friend’s house playing pool, drinking beer. A nice evening to mark how undramatic, calm and comfortable my life was to become.

2005 New Year’s eve will be spent snuggled on a couch in Olathe watching TV. This time, I'll be with my 2 favorite guys and have a bottle of freshly espressed breast milk in one hand and a glass of my very favorite champagne, Veuve-Clicquot in the other. I’ve done the wild nights, closed many a bar and drank more than my fair share of beer on past New Year’s eves.

I suspect this night will still top them all.

What happens when I don't proofread?

THIS:

This post is brought to you by the makers of the Baby Bjorn - the patron saint of happy babies and productive mothers everywhere...........

So many things, so little time to write them all down before Chimp Boy discovers that I am doing something that doesn’t involve HIM and then it’s all “Wah! Wah! What about me?” He’s so YESTERDAY - doesn’t he get it??? So dramatic..........

Anyway, still loving motherhood, but DAMN - the double whammy of the holidays and having a newborn have totally and utterly KICKED MY LILY WHITE ASS*. Also, I insisted on hosting Christmas because I couldn’t bear the thought of my 83 year old Normal Olathe Grandma hobbling around her kitchen with my my Fat Ass Lazy Shopaholic Hoarding aunt ** watching her and not lifting a finger. I was glad to have everyone over and I know the relatives that came appreciated it, so it was worth it. To add to all the mayhem, my sister gave birth to Only Niece the week before Christmas, so things have just been super crazy. It was a scheduled C-section and everything went fine, but she can’t lift anything over like 10 ounces and her super mongo Hagrid Worthy offspring (aka Older Nephew and Younger Nephew, aged 4.5 and 2.5 respectively) weigh like 100 pounds*** a piece so we are all taking turns hanging out with her to help out until she can start lugging them around again. Speaking of mongo kids - I may be on the way to having one myself. Arun is barely 2.5 months and has already outgrown some outfits sized 3-6 months leaving me to say “WHAT THE FUCK?”****

Speaking of clothes, it was quite distressing that I have been schlepping around a kid that is better dressed than ME, so I decided that must fixed. I went clothes shopping today for REAL clothes for the first time in over a year and half. I nearly cried. I am back to square one with my fucking SHORT LEGS. For whatever reason, I had no issues finding maternity pants in my size and lengh - a first for me. However, Normal Clothes manufacturers assume that someone in my size is a gigantic Amazonian with thunder thighs to match. Its a good thing that I don’t have a job now, because I am going to be spending some serious time trolling the mall for pants that fit these legs. Since I am not going to an office anymore, I need decent casual clothes (when I was working, I cheated the system by wearing skirts). I hate the mall. I hate shopping. I hate being amongst all the fucking suburban housewives comparing strollers and scouting the clearance racks at Gymboree and Baby Gap because it is a stark reminder that I AM NOW ONE OF THEM.

Sob....

* No joke! It REALLY is lily white!
**No joke! It REALLY is fat!
***Okay , that actually WAS a joke.
**** Not in FRONT of the kid. Well, maybe sometimes, but he doesn’t understand - right?

Naughty or Nice?

The Rancid le manse just experienced its very own Christmas miracle! For the first time ever, my boy's sphincter let all holy hell loose - right up his back! Yes, SIRREE - our very first Shitting up the Back episode. I had heard of this phenomenon, but had never actually lay witness to it. It was enough to make THIS mother cry.

Merry Christmas!

How many wrongs make a write?

Anyone who knows me remotely knows how much I like to be right. In fact, I have been known to go to great lengths to prove this “rightness”. As I have gotten older, I have tried to tame this obnoxious trait. Well, Internet, I have been wrong - a few times.......

All these months, every time someone tries to Ass-vise me about my 2-door, family unfriendly car, I’d snip right back that we would be just fine. In truth, we WERE just fine with 2 doors and could have easily made it to the Summer 2006 marker as planned. HOWEVER, it was indeed a pain in the ass trucking His Royal Highness around in it. Fortunately, life intervened and we found it necessary to purchase a 3rd car (X needs a car in Virginia now). So, last weekend we bought a 4 door, family friendly car. I have never bought a brand spankin’ new car before and I admit, it was quite a treat to drive it off the lot. I’ve also mentioned before that X is not the stereotypical Indian - even though he came to me sans Asian Head Bob and SingSong Accent, he did come with some stellar bargaining skills that would make his own mama proud. My heart did little flipflops as he wheeled and dealed our way into that car. So, Christmas came a week early for me and RidiculousTV has a new friend in the form of RidiculousCar replete with a boatload of Silly Features. The car does everything except make me a cup of coffee.

How else have I been wrong? Throughout my 20s, I fretted about having a baby as I had been told I might have problems in that area. Without going into embarrassingly graphic detail, today marks the day that X and I started "trying" for a baby last year. Little did I know that I would be peeing on a stick by early February and taking pics of my monkey under our tree a scant year later. My head still spins at how quickly everything happened, but I am very, VERY appreciative of how easy I have had it. I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy experience and so far, the kid is pretty swell, also.

Sometimes - just sometimes, it’s not so bad being wrong. Maybe I should try being wrong more often.

How stupid am I?

Oh so very...............

I like to joke that not only did I give birth to a baby, but also to my brains. Tonight only proved how unfunny that statment is.

X missed his flight earlier this evening, thus ensuring he won’t be home until tomorrow. To cheer myself up, I thought I would light a fire via Duraflame, snuggle in with monkeyboy and watch a Christmas movie or two. Right away, I noticed the Duraflame didn’t burn as it should have, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time. This was at 5:30pmish. By nearly 10:30pmish, I was concerned - the logs usually only last 4 hours at the VERY MAX. I wanted to go to bed, but I don’t like going to sleep with anything left burning in the fireplace Fire scares the holy crap outta me, which of course, is precisely why I love it so. Anyway, since I’m not only a CPA, but also the proud owner of a Master’s degree, I decided with the infinite wisdom conferred upon me by my local state university that I would poke the damned thing apart to its death.

HUGE MISTAKE.

All the pieces roared to life creating a situation that Eddie Murphy’s Uncle Gus would have been impressed with. I wasn’t exactly panicking, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation. I didn’t want to tie up 911 phonelines, so I pulled out my phone book to look up the fire department’s number. Believe it or not, they were not listed in the F’s, as you would expect. In fact, they weren’t listed ANYWHERE. I gave up, called 911, apologized profusely for calling on a non-emergency and was transferred to the fire department. 5 minutes later a big ass fire truck pulls up to the house - at least they did NOT come with sirens wailing. Anyway, the guys came in to assess the situation and they quickly determined I was not in any imminent danger (at least not from fire. Mere Stupidity is not their area of expertise, apparently). So, while resisting to urge the question the validity of several “Rescue Me” plotlines, I watched the firemen poke and prod the fire until it died to a reasonable level. Then, amazingly they left me alone with monkeyboy. Meaning, after I displayed such a gross error in judgement, they left me IN CHARGE OF A TEENY TINY BABY.

Good grief.

What Happens When You Let Your Newborn Son Watch the Victoria Secret Fashion Show?

This:

My boy’s first peep show - heady days around the Rancid le manse....heady days....... Baby Einstein ain't got nothin' on Tyra Banks' booty, let me tell ya. Before you know it, his grubby little hands will be coordinated enough for $1 dollar bills and off he’ll be, breaking hearts left and right. sigh........

If you don’t have dreams, what’s the point of tomorrow?

My Little Dreamboat - EIGHT weeks old. Damn.

Yet again, X is in Virginia - most probably Fairfax at this time of day. It has been far tougher than I thought to have a small baby and have X travel so much. Grueling, at times. Particularly when your exhausted baby desperately wants to suck on his thumb, but lacks the coordination to pull it all together. Sigh........ Single Mothers everywhere, I salute you. At least X comes home on the weekends. I do have what I would consider a pretty cushy life, so I really try not to grouse too much. However, I bristle at the many, many comments inferring that X has deserted us. To the contrary, this has been OUR decision to live this lifestyle - a plan we certainly came up with together. What are the alternatives? Well, for one, X could sell his stake in his company, stay in Kansas City, and get a comfy corporate gig somewhere. But that isn’t his style - he has an entrepreneurial spirit and moving into a corporate position would make for a very unsatisfying career path. We could also just pack up and move to Virginia. However, X would still be traveling - most certainly back to Kansas City. Nothing would make me resentful quicker than X traveling back to MY home town while I am stuck in a strange state by myself with an uncoordinated, small baby. So, after careful consideration, we decided to stay in the Kansas City for the time being - hopefully, the next 2 years. X will be back in KC for long weekends (he still needs to work here anyway) and occasionally Chimp Boy and I will hop on a plane and hang out in Virginia, as well. Yes, we are only heading off the inevitable, but if we can stay in Kansas City for 2 more years, it will help in the short term - emotionally and financially.

So, this year has been a big, big year for us. We fulfilled several dreams this year and gave birth to TWO babies, of sorts. The most obvious one, being the little monkey asleep (Finally!!) in the room across the hall. The less obvious one - X’s company. For 5 years now, we have dreamed of X’s company getting investment funding. Friday, that dream became real as they closed on 1st round funding. Let me tell you - true love is hanging out on Cloud 9 just because your partner fulfilled one of HIS dreams. Is this the end? No, because one dream leads to another and ultimately, shouldn't that be the very cycle of life? Once you stop reaching for the future, isn’t that REALLY the end?

So, yes. Dreams CAN come true. And it’s a little mindblowing when they do.

Now, where did I leave my brain?

It's true - when you give birth, you lose some brain cells in the process. Somedays, I can't believe how stupid I have become and it's downright frightening that I am in charge of ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. So, in lieu of actually composing an entire post of something intellient or meaningful, this mangled mess of gray matter instead presents some Rancid Randomness:

Heir to the Hair: My God, the HAIR. At least the kid comes by it honestly - I had a full head of hair myself as a baby. But can we talk? It’s getting out of control. For one, it's downright sad when he grabs his OWN hair and then shrieks because his grasping reflex is in full swing, yet he hasn't quite developed the ability to UNgrasp. It’s funny as hell, which goes to show just how low my humor can go. Also, I giggle at the fact that I can pull MY OWN hair brush out in a jiffy when the monkey needs to be groomed. The saddest part of all this follicle madness? Somedays, I spend more time on HIS hair than MINE.

Intelligent Design, My Ass: The opposable thumb is completely under-rated and I can’t wait til my own little DNA sample discovers HIS. He doesn’t like pacifiers, yet desperately needs to suck SOMETHING. He tries feverishly to suck his hand, to no avail. When the monkey finds that thumb, all will be right with the world - his AND mine.

Gingerly Navigating a Gingerbread Exhibit: The kid was rapidly approaching Feeding Time as we strolled quickly through a VERY COOL gingerbread exhibit in Lawrence at the Eldridge Hotel. Unfortunately, I am NOT so cool. I kept trying to hold the squalling kid with one hand while pushing the stroller with the other. However, this is not easily accomplished when you are a complete MORON and don't realize the swivel lock on the left front wheel is LOCKED and instead you think the stroller is a cheap piece of crap when actually YOU are the cheap piece of crap for being so stupid and looking retarded as you nearly knock several exhibits over.

A High Stakes Roller: We have recently discovered the magic of the High Chair. At this point, the kid needs to be entertained in increments of 15 minutes or less. This necessitated us finding varying environments for us to put him into. In desperation, I brought up the high chair from the basement, shooed away any lingering arachnids and plopped the kid into it. He LOVES it - it sits him up higher with us, at the table. As an added bonus, the thing has WHEELS. His little bug eyes just about popped out of his head the first time we cruised him across the kitchen. I can report that fun was had by all.

Just More Proof the Kid is a Genius: He rolled over onto his stomach the other night- freaky! I had turned around to do something, when I looked back, the kid was on his stomach asleep. Although I was harboring hopes the kid was advanced, I think it was a fluke because he hasn’t done it since. I have quietly put away the applications to Harvard, but they are still within easy reach JUST IN CASE.

My Bring Your Trash Christmas Bash: My White Elephant Christmas party was a success - in my opinion. It was indeed very small - only about 15 folks or so, but it ended up being perfect. Because it was so small, I wasn’t stressed out while preparing food and cleaning the house. Also, I was able to to spend time with everyone who showed up, as opposed to doing the Flight of the Bumblebee, trying to play hostess. Hopefully next year, I will have regained some of my lost brain cells, and I will remember to invite the entire guest list.

Trolling for Strollers: I went to an area mall yesterday with one of the gals with whom I used to do Raku - her daughter is almost 6 months old. However, she and I are NOT shoppers. Furthermore, while I am the first to admit that I am pretty suburban, Raku Gal is NOT - she lives in a very cool Kansas City MO urban area. But it is winter and to the mall we must go if we are going to walk about with the kids. So, while it felt icky to be doing something so droll and “mommy-ish”, the day was just lovely. We walked around for 5 hours, catching up on our lives and comparing baby notes. Raku Gal’s approach to mothering is very laidback and relaxed, so I look forward to spending more time with her and taking notes since she is ahead of me in the game. When the weather gets nicer, we will of course eschew the mall in search for better venues - the zoo or some parks.

Buns of Steel: It is a testament not only to Huggies, but also to my son's hardy cheeks that he doesn't have a raging diaper rash. In my latest fit of Neglectful Mothering, I forgot to change his diaper - he went from about 4am to 12pm with the same old diaper. Let's just say it put new meaning into the word "loaded". Luckily, there was no leakage. In my defense, he WAS sleeping when I realized after his 8:30 feeding that he needed a change - I am a devout believer in the old adage about waking sleeping babies.

And Finally - the obligatory Simian Snaps:

Worn out from the wild ride around the kitchen.

This is what happens when wet hair is left unstyled.
As you can see, he's really bothered by it.

Stuck in a tree?

Now HERE'S a Rancid Rave for you - the next time you are about to make a customer service call, be sure to check out Paul English's cheat-sheet for by-passing those irritating phone trees designed to ensure you never reach a human voice.

This just might save you a few minutes or even HOURS of aggravation. Nifty! Hurry out there before this smart dude figures out how to make money with this list.

What's the Catholic version of "Oy vey"?

I am having a Christmas party on Saturday. I dashed off Evites for it a few weeks back and just went to check the status. I noticed the turnout is only going to be about 20 people. Then, I realized I forgot to invite a SHITLOAD of people. Like, we're talking entire groups of people! My two bookclubs, for example. D'oh! or Duh! both equally apply to my mass stupidity. Take your pick. I don't think the kid himself is the reason for my mangled brain cells, but I suspect sleep deprivation might have contributed. My last uninterrupted night's sleep was October 12th, after all.

So, do I tell people that I meant to invite them, but forgot?

What's he mixed with?

I met Really Tepid Gal (RTG - my former co-worker at the Federal Reserve) for lunch yesterday at Arun's Thai Place in Kansas City. I mentioned to the waiter that the little bundle of boy sitting next to me was also named Arun. The waiter made the obligatory remark about his cuteness and HAIR, then proceeded to ask quite curiously "What's he mixed with?" While I was tempted to say, "Oh, the usual - drugs and the mafia", I gave in and confessed instead to the fact that I am married to an Indian. Sometimes I wish X spoke English such as this - since he started learning English when he started kindergarten, he very rarely offers up anything good in this way. He doesn't even do the Asian Head Bob or the lilting accent. Once in a great while I will snigger secretly at something he misprounounces only to find out that it wasn't a mistake at all - just a British version.

So, lunch with RTG went as expected. I got all the lowdown on what was happening with at the Fed since I left in June. The meeting only served as a stark reminder to how freakin' happy I am to be a mother and that I get to stay home full-time. I needed that reminder because the night prior, the kid was a fussy MESS. Nothing I did could calm him down. While he eventually crashed at midnight and proceeded to sleep like a champ, it was still a stressful evening. In general, my mothering belief system consists of "Try, Try Again" and I ran out of things to TRY, which leaves the whole philosophy quite useless. Anyway, lunch with RTG was really nice. I miss HER, but certainly not working at the Fed. I still feel quite odd about the fact that I so casually walked away from my career - something that I only just completed paying the student loan for last spring.

Overall, I view these next few years of staying at home as my own Personal Sabbatical. I realized a few years back that I had so clearly chosen the wrong profession. There have been a few jobs here and there since college that I have really enjoyed, but they were usually due to my co-workers - as evidenced by the large percentage of my current social group that is represented by such past colleagues. So, while I figure out the Next Grand Plan for my life, I am going to suck every precious moment out of being a mother - something I have always wanted to be since I received a beautiful baby doll when I was 8 years old. Ironically, that very baby doll had a thick head of black hair and I have often been reminded of her since I brought Arun home. An eery way of coming full circle, I guess.

Last night, X and I went to dinner in Lawrence. What's in Lawrence? Great restaurants AND free Monkey Monitoring since both of my parents live in Lawrence. Can't beat that with a stick.

What’s the Opposite of a Silver Lining?

You know what they say about every cloud......

As I mentioned earlier - I scored a babysitter over Thanksgiving - her name is J, she is my 1st cousin, 3 times removed and the situation is a DREAM, thus far. One of the unexpected bennies from her coming is that it FORCES me to go to the gym - there are NO excuses when you are paying someone to come over so that you can do that very thing you normally have a milion and one excuses to avoid. ANYWHO. The downside of having J babysit is that she is family - her great-grandmother is Normal Olathe Grandma’s sister which means they come from the very SAME familial Assvice Branch (THEIR mother was the grand matriarch of all the Assvice in our family). In short - poor J is already receiving assvice from her great-grandmother! The latest is the “Don’t hold that baby, you’ll spoil him rotten!” remark. Furthermore, all it will take is a casual innocent remark from J to spur much bigger ones to spiral out of control in the familial Gossip Loop. J is a sweet girl and wouldn't mean any harm, but she is not completely experienced in the art of navigating the Gossip Loop. Therefore, I must make sure all booze, peace pipes, and sex toys are hidden. Must keep that family reputation intact, eh? HA.

Anyway - here are more snaps. Digital photography is great, except that I CAN’T. STOP. TAKING. PICTURES. Arun is already starting to react to the red-eye light.

Just like a trained monkey...........

How Thankful Am I?

Very.

Thanksgiving was really nice - as much as I like to gripe about my family, in truth, they are your typical family. Pleasantly dysfunctional to a level that you can poke gentle fun (Note: I am discussing my DAD'S family. My Mom's family? A different story). Anyway - let’s face it - ALL families have their issues. No one is perfect, but you can often hide things from the general public - not quite so easy to do with relatives. So, I’ll go as far as to say that I did enjoy sharing the little monkey with the family on Thanksgiving. He was the hit of the party and I even scored a babysitter! Yep - even though I quit work to stay home full-time, I am already getting a babysitter. I was very conflicted about this, but X was the one who insisted I get somebody. He is traveling so much, it actually eases his guilt somewhat. It’s a pretty sweet gig - my dad’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter (got that??) is in high school, has her own car, and lives just mere blocks from me. I casually mentioned that I was looking for a babysitter in her presence (yes, I WAS hinting) and she eagerly raised her hand. She is coming 3 days a week for just 2 hours - which is perfect! It gives me just enough time to get in a good workout at the gym AND even enough time to run a quick errand like a trip to the grocery store, etc. It’s a good gig for HER, because she has some steady money now, is in a safe environment where her own mother doesn’t have to worry about her and gets her homework done. Of course there is the added benefit that I am leaving my precious monkey with an actual family member, as opposed to just any old teenager. Since I was able to sneak in an early visit to my doctor last week, I got sign off for exercise and I was pretty anxious to get on it. So, although I feel very spoiled, I was able to quickly quell those feelings after our first session on Monday. Being able to go the gym and get in a good heart-pumping workout made all the difference.

I can't believe Chimp Boy is SIX WEEKS old. It's amazing to me how the time has flown. He is outgrowing clothes left and right, he's SMILING now and is even starting to coo. I think the most shocking part of motherhood so far is how much I am loving it. Of course, I thought I would enjoy it or I wouldn't have bothered with it, right? However, I just didn't know HOW MUCH I would have fun with it. Even after the hardest nights, I still get up every morning ready to start the day.

Of course, now that he is smiling, it makes it all the easier - wouldn't you say?

Fit to be a Mother? Or Just Fit to be Tied?

As promised - the Assvice Post. I have gotten unsolicited advice from a wide range of people - grandmas, great-aunts, my cleaning lady and even strangers in the streets - in stores such as Lowe’s*. This post was not nearly as fun to write and did not make for the funny material I had hoped it would. Actually, some of these just plain pissed me off. Therefore, this is more of a Rancid Rant than a Rancid Rave. Ah well......

“Give Him Rice Cereal and He’ll Sleep Through the Night!”
This old wive’s tale was offered when I hadn’t even complained about sleep deprivation, thus making it the most truant of all the Assvice I have received. I am not giving a tiny baby SOLIDS. I don’t care if it that was the thing du jour in the 70s or not. After all, back then it was also okay to drink and smoke indiscriminately while pregnant.

“If You Keep Holding That Baby, You’re Going to Spoil Him Rotten!”
The stupidity of this little gem is mind-boggling. Um, yeah, SURE - snuggling my little monkey and giving him love and kisses is going to make him rotten. HUH?

”Don’t Wake that Baby Up! Let Him Sleep Through the Night if He Wants!”
This treasure was given after I mentioned that I had to set my alarm so I could wake up to feed the baby. What was most infuriating about this obnoxious comment is that my baby was fucking JAUNDICED. Guess what? Jaundiced babies are listless and just want to sleep. Furthermore, the way to get rid of the jaundice is to FEED HIM so he can POOP the bad stuff OUT. Letting him sleep through the night would just make him even MORE jaundiced. Believe me, a new mommy with a yellow baby does NOT need to hear this shit.

"Don't Let that Baby Sleep with You (Insert Random Horriffic Event) )!"
I am not necessarily an advocate of Attachment Parenting or even co-sleeping. However, for now, having the kid sleep with us WORKS. He sleeps and more importantly, I sleep. My doctor was the one to point out that the U.S. and the Western World in general is the minority on the practice of separate beds. Anyway, since I don't plan on sleeping with my child while drunk or obese, he will be just fine. Besides, X himself was a co-sleeper and he came out fairly unharmed.

“That Baby Needs Socks on His Feet!”
Yes, he does. I guess sweating through a onesie AND a blanket which resulted in a heat rash means he is fucking COLD.

“Don’t Get Wind in the Baby’s Ears!”
What gets me on this one is that no dire consequence is offered. Indeed, what WILL happen if the baby does get wind in his ears?

"You Don't Need to Be Running Around with that Baby so Much!"
My being cooped up in a house with "that baby" for days on end can lead to no good. My guess it that we would end up having like our own little game of "Survivor" . Outwit? Outplay? Outlast? My money is on the kid.

”Keep that Baby out of the Wind or He’ll Get a Bellyache!”
This goody is so fucking stupid that I couldn’t even think of a sarcastic comment for it.

“Keep that Baby Inside!”
Yes, particularly since we know that fresh air and sunshine KILLS.

"You Don't Need to be Taking That Baby to (Insert Hip Urban Kansas City Location of your Choosing)! It's dangerous!"
Considering that someone DIED in my cushy suburban Target parking lot this past summer, I am willing to gamble a bit by going to the "shadier" places in Kansas City.

“Better Keep those Cats Away From that Baby”
Frankly, the cats are more concerned with where their next meal is coming from and ensuring that I am available 24/7 in my capacity as Doorman to the Felines. They could care less about the baby at this point. Of course, this indifference will fade as soon as the Monkey discovers the irresistable lure of a fluffy tail, but it’s not like the cats are going to try and exact some sort of revenge.

”Don’t Eat Spicy Food or the Baby Will Get Sick”
I’ll admit that as I hungrily wolfed down Thai food the very first day back home from the hospital, I saw a brief question mark hovering over that styrofoam takeout container . However, I quickly brought myself back to reality as I pondered, “What the fuck do women eat in Thailand?”.

“Don’t Let Anyone Hold Him at Thanksgiving Dinner or He’ll Get Sick!”
While I am not exactly a proponent of picking up dead birds and rubbing them in the Monkey’s face, a germ here or there at the hands of a loving relative is NOT going to hurt the kid.

“Don’t Swaddle That Baby Too Tight! (AKA,"Oh, Poor Baby - Your Mama is Squeezing You Too Tight!” )
Yes, I guess the kid is NOT BREATHING as opposed to merely sleeping peacefully.


*In another losing bout with Irony, I was the one to take my son to Lowe’s for the first time. In fact, I will be the ONLY one to ever take our son to Lowe’s, given the fact that all the freakin’ tools in the garage are MINE ALL MINE.

What am I doing?

Running around with my head cut off. I need to be in Lawrence for a Christmas Tree Festival by 1:00 pm. I still need to pump, take a shower, get dressed, get the kid dressed, and eat lunch all while fervently praying the kid cooperates in this mayhem. Which of course means that I will be a negligent mother and skip Tummy Time this morning. My kid probably won't start crawling until he's 2 years old at this rate which just goes to show you how early Failure can start happening in the game of life.

Why am I running late? The kid was fussy all day yesterday and wouldn't take a good long nap. Thank god for the Baby Bjorn or I would have gotten nothing done. He finally went down at MIDNIGHT. Then he woke up at 4:30, ate like a lumberjack, then slept until 9:30 am While I am not complaining about such a luxurious stretch of sleep, I was counting on my little Alarm Clock to get me up at 7:30 am.

Anyway, Assvice Post coming later tonight. Here's a Teaser:

That Baby Will Get Sore From Being Passed Around!"
Picture this: me yanking the kid from someone's arm while screeching indignantly "Stop it! You're making him sore!"

I am so not making this shit up!!

Update as I head for the door:
New Mommy Discovery I made this morning while getting ready. This is really no feasible or practical way to put on deoderant while the kid is strapped into the Baby Bjorn. Choice must be made:
1) Be Stinky
2) Wake the Kid Up

As Phil on the Amazing Race would say - "each with its own pros and cons".

What sort of monkey is THAT?

That would be a Howler Monkey. You’d be howling too if you were having such a bad hair day yourself.

Well, the little guy is definitely getting fussier - just as the 30 day warranty period from the hospital has expired, of course. No exchanges or returns on THIS model, for sure. I keep telling X that at least he isn’t colicky - it’s all about perspective, right? Fortunately, when we finally can get him down for the night, he is a pretty good sleeper. Regardless of which time we go to bed, he starts squawking for food at around 1 am, then around 4 am, then finally around 6:30 am - the past two nights he has actually skipped the 1 am feeding. Believe it or not, I can survive on this schedule. Although I am getting a little loopy and emotional from the sleep deprivation, I am not completely insane yet, which makes all the difference. The hard part is if I would just nap during the day, life would progress much more smoothly. However, I am NOT a napper - never have been. I HATE sleeping in the middle of the day.

Anyway, I am still compiling Assvice and realized that since I will be receiving a new batch of goodies this Thursday, I should wait til next Monday to post it. I am a little nervous about this Thanksgiving - it is my first one in my new role as a mother. Now, I have entered a new level in the familial hierarchy - one in which I am no longer important and the kid has superceded me. It also has opened the door to brand-new criticisms, judgements, and comments. To make things extra Gooey Fun this year, Normal Olathe Grandma invited Crazy Leavenworth Grandma to our Thanksgiving shindig. The minute CLG heard there was going to be a TALENT SHOW, she started polishing her guitar. Put it this way - I am actually READING THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL TO MY CAMCORDER. This MUST be recorded for posterity’s sake.

So, while I am looking foward to one of my favorite holidays, I am also a little trepid with dragging the kid. I will have to make sure that he is wearing a hat AND socks (even though he will be sweating up a storm) and that his ribs aren’t showing too much from my starving him. In my family, mothers can do no right. I have watched for years as my own mother bore these comments on her own mothering skills. I am also nervous about the whole "passing of the baby" - everyone is going to be pawing at "my precious". I am not a germo-phobe by any means - for example, the Shopping Cart Condom was NOT on my baby registry. I just don't relish the kid getting his first cold just yet.

The Moral of the Story:
When I get too anxious about my family, I remember Anne. In my early college years, I had a co-worker named Anne. We had absolutely nothing in common, and certainly didn’t hang out socially . I’ll go out on a Snobby Limb and declare that she was really quite boring. However, despite all the people that I DID hang out with at that particuar job, she is the one I remember to this day, nearly 15 years later. Every holiday, I am reminded of her. Why? Anne had no family whatsoever. She was an only child, her parents were only children -- any other distant relatives she have had were long deceased. As someone who grew up with a large extended family, this was shocking to me. Most holidays were spent agonizing over the schedule of how I was going to make it to 3-4 places within a 24 hour period of time (luckily, having the largest house myself now affords me the luxury of inviting everyone to visit ME). Anyway, hearing Anne's story made me appreciate my obnoxious, over-bearing, and judgemental family. And this is why I have to remember Anne at the beginning of every holiday season. They drive me apeshit, but at least I have them. sigh

Have a great Thanksgiving! I really DO enjoy the holidays and Thanksgiving in particular. It's like Christmas, but without all the commercialism of buying gifts and such.

Can something random still be planned?

In another desperate bid for a Monkey Free post, I present for you 20 Random Things About Me- an idea stolen from Diana over at Piffle . Why Memes are the proverbial low-man in the realm of Blogging Material, I will never understand. I think they are fun to read AND fun to write.

You be the judge:

1. I LOVE playing cards - my favorite games are Canasta , Cribbage , Euchre , and Russian Bank

2. I have a terrible temper, but it burns out quickly. I need to work on this, obviously.

3. I enjoy washing dishes and for years, used my dishwasher as a drying rack. Even though I now use the dishwasher regularly thanks to pressure from X, I still wash quite a few by hand.

4. I collect Mad Magazines - I have many vintage copies from the 60s and unashamedly, I still add to my collection.

5. I was a practicing Muslim for 4 years in my early 20s. I didn’t cover my head, but I did do the prayers in Arabic and some of the fasting during Ramadan. The Muslim call to prayer still brings tears to my eyes because it is so beautiful.

6. I am now a Catholic, but will still teach my children the basic principles of most of the major religions. I don’t think you go to heaven or hell based on what you BELIEVE, but rather on what you DO.

7. My favorite concert of all time was a Pink Floyd concert. And I was completely sober during it. Oddly, my own mother had better seats than I did at that very concert.

8. Going to Pompeii in 2003 was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me - I had always wanted to go since I had first read about the city . It was very surreal when I finally made it there after so many years of dreaming about it since I was a child.

9. I flip for sunflower seeds - I am very particular about the brand I buy, the freshness and the storage of them. My favorite way to spend an afternoon is with a good book and fresh bag of seeds. When I went to Pakistan, I took 6 pounds with me - 1 pound for each week there. I ran out in week 4 because I was reading so much during the hot daylight hours when we stayed in the house.

10. I am currently reading Bee Season by Myla Goldberg. It is excellent so far and will make for an insightful discussion topic in the book club for which I am reading it.

11. I just finished The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler. It was a good book, but ironically I did not read it for a book club. Sadly, it would have been a great discussion topic and I wish I would have saved it for a book club selection.


12. In 1987, I won the award for “Outstanding Crew Member” at the McDonald’s in which I worked at the time. The plaque is hanging in my office right now.

13. I collect coins and paper currency. I have a pretty extensive foreign money collection - my two favorite coins are from Kenya and Israel. My two favorite pieces of paper money are from Singapore and Lebanon.

14. I love to drive fast. The fastest I have ever driven was 110 MPH. It scared the crap out of me, but it gave me the best adrenaline rush EVER.

15. It really irritates me when people automatically assume I don’t like dogs just because I am a cat owner. I LOVE dogs - I just haven’t had a lifestyle conducive to owning one lately.

16. I am currently listening to Madonna’s new album “Confessions on the Dance Floor”. It totally ROCKS.

17. I used to run Cross Country in high school and 10K races on the weekends. I didn’t really enjoy running long distance, but I loved the workout and had the best track seasons afterwards as a result.

18. Oprah irritates the crap out of me, but I still watch her.

19. In Junior High, some kids made fun of me by calling me Dictionary Girl because I used big words they didn’t understand. Little did they know, I was secretly proud of the nickname because I actually DID read the dictionary as they claimed.

20. My favorite currently running TV shows are Arrested Development, Everybody Loves Chris, My Name is Earl and Veronica Mars.

What have I learned?

Arun hit his 4 week milestone yesterday - I took some spare time ( Note: Spare Time = 3.3 Seconds these days) and thought about it. 4 weeks - Damn. It has flown by, but on the other hand, I can’t imagine Arun NOT being here. Not grunting to be held. Not seemingly permanently attached to one of my nipples. Not snuggling tightly into my chest, fast asleep and snoring. Not staring bug-eyed, utterly fascinated at the the world passing him by. Not filling yet another diaper.

So, anyway - What have I learned? Lots and lots. For brevity’s sake, I have pared it down to a Top Ten list.........................

10. It’s not a cliche - a heart can indeed, MELT. The most surprising part is not how often I “ooh and ahh” over the little Monkey, but how often I “ooh and ahh” over his little Daddy. To see the softer side of X ..... well - what can I say? sigh

9. Motherhood is not about having all THE answers - it’s all about having POTENTIAL answers. I call this concept the “Try, Try Again” Approach to Mothering. I feel very blessed that I have so many friends willing to share their experiences. Furthermore, I feel very fortunate to live in a country where so many valuable resources are available to new mothers - books, hotlines, great doctors, lactation consultants and easy connectivity to the Internet. When something comes up with Arun and I am fumbling around attempting Plan A, it is reassuring to know that there is a Plan B and even a Plan C available as options.

8. There is a crucial difference between the words “tired” and “exhausted”. Sleeping in a minimum of 3 hours shift leaves one merely tired. Anything less equals pure exhaustion.

7. Mommies can have meltdowns, also.

6. My body will never be the same. My breasts will never be perky again, my hips have permanently shifted, and my feet are a half size larger. The most shocking part is that I don’t even care.

5. I have a far stronger stomach than I thought. Poopy diapers, spit-up, and eye goop are not that gross, after all.

4. A newfound appreciation for Spare Time. Now, when I have Spare Time, I fly around the house like grease lightening. The Old Me squandered time like Paris Hilton does boyfriends. The New Me can get so much done in 10 minutes these days.

3. Who knew? I CAN be patient - even when faced with a screaming bogeyman at a mind-blowing 3:00am. X and I alike have been amazed by this new development in my personality.

2. Contrary to popular belief, iced coffee was not invented by Starbucks. Rather, it was probably the mastermind of a New Mommy who gave up hope of ever enjoying a hot cup of joe again and decided to take that cold cup to a new level.

1. Finally, it’s no contest. The #1 thing I have learned about motherhood so far, is that Arun is MY child and I know him better than anyone else at this point. Therefore, it is I who has to make the decision what is best for him. It is hard to do that while confronting Assvice left and right from well meaning friends, family, neighbors and strangers on the street. During Week #1, I first learned this lesson the hard way when I slightly disagreed with my doctor on something. Nevertheless, I tried to follow her insructions and ultimately was frustrated when it wasn’t working out. My doctor is totally awesome and I do love her approach to most things, BUT she doesn’t know my child like I do. In the end, I went with my gut and the problem was quickly solved.

BONUS SNAP:

This is Older Nephew with Arun. Older Nephew is SO PROUD of his boy cousin since he only had girl cousins until recently. As you can see, Older Nephew is used to hamming it up for the cameras!

Why is the Baby crying? Why is the Baby NOT crying?

My life is now a 24/7 Poker Game comprised of the above variations. If the kid is squawking, it means he is hungry, uncomfortable or bored. However, if the kid is NOT squawking it surely means he is not BREATHING and must be checked upon IMMEDIATELY. Either way, every hand dealt to me is a crappy one so I might as well just fold and hand over all my chips.

Luckily, if the kid IS squalling, these situations are easily remedied, although often, it means holding him. I have become very adept at doing many things around the house with one hand and have discovered that a glass of soymilk with a Kashi granola bar do indeed, constitute an acceptable meal.

Overall, the crying thing is interesting - it is certainly a form of communication with nuances all its own and is a situation where I am the Student and the kid is the Teacher. I am getting better at picking up the meaning of different cries which range from “I am HUNGRY and Your Nipples are MINE, Bitch” to “I am Seriously Freaking Out Here, Pick Me Up NOW” to “I Am Just An Attention Whore -- Sucka!”

Is this where I admit that there is nothing sweeter than a baby snuggling into your chest, calm and happy simply because YOU picked him up?

Nah, better not or you guys will think I am going soft.

Isn't Crazy Just Relative?

Except for the obligatory 3 Week Milestone Pic, I declare this Monday to be relatively Baby Free. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will not be the 100% focus of this blog for a change. After all, we don’t want him to get an ego and think that my life revolves around HIM now. Heaven forbid. Anyway - let’s see what I can muster up that doesn’t involve nipples, crying, diapers or unforgivable cuteness at the hands of my hairy little monkey.

Crazy Contaminations: As promised - my Pet Peeve. I will try to keep my bitchiness to a minimum, but this has been a pet peeve of mine for a good 10 years. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until about a year ago that I had a blog in which I could release my frustration. This is regarding all the myths and misconceptions regarding influenza - the flu. Sadly, much of the general public is very confused about what the flu really is. Over the years, I have heard more than one person say “Oh, I had the flu over the weekend” or “Wow - I got the flu yesterday - I was puking all day.” It’s okay to say the “stomach flu” (although it is actually food poisoning or the rotovirus), it is not okay to merely say the flu”. Influenza can actually be a a very serious respiratory infection - it infuriates me how the media and the uninformed public trivialize this virus. Furthermore, the avian flu or “the bird flu” has much more potential than just being a great punchline for late night talk show hosts. If that strain of the virus is able to make the jump from human to human (as opposed to the current bird to human scenario) we could all be in a big pile of caca. In short, if you have a really bad cold, just say “cold” and if you have a day or two of bad puking/diarrhea, please say “stomach flu”. End of Rancid Rant.

Crazy Family Pushes the Insanity Envelope: Growing up, my grandma always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for her 6 siblings complete with spouses and progeny. Back then, there were only about 30 of us total, so we could all fit into her house. That number has grown to such an extent that we can’t all fit into one person’s house anymore. A few years back, one of my great-aunts thought it would be a great idea to just rent a hall for Thanksgiving - and a great idea it was. Very stress-free and we are able to spend at least one of the holidays all together (we still scatter a bit for Christmas). However, this year, my little Thanksgiving flyer not only includes a confirmation for a turkey (I volunteered to bake one this year), it also requests a piano solo for the TALENT SHOW. I shit you not! Someone came up with the oh-so clever idea that we should have various members of the family show their talents. While I will not be tickling the ivories for this event, I will certainly be bringing the digital camcorder! HOLY CRAP - this is gonna be GOOOOD.

Crazy Comedy: Laughter is not always the best medicine. While recovering from the Great Arrival of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I happened upon a new method for gauging the “funniness” of the shows I watch on TV. By using my handy-dandy Stitch-ometer and determining the amount of pain felt while viewing such programs, I can verify that Everybody Hates Chris and My Name is Earl are the two most hilarious shows going on TV right now. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Extras (with Ricky Gervais on HBO) rank a very tight 2nd place.

Cagey Goes Crazy: Yesterday, I had my first Monkey Free outing. I let my hair down and went to the grocery store! and Borders! and Best Buy! Oh My! I’ll admit the best part was getting to drive the car without Precious Cargo. I could drive like a bat out of hell without fear that old Noodle Neck in the backseat would ruin all my fun.

Crazy Cats: Our cats, the Original Babies of the Rancid le Manse, are doing stellar. Thanks to that venerable veterinarian, Christine, over at The Rabbit Lived , I was able to verify my Feline Strategy was indeed reasonable - my sister and mom thought I was a lunatic. In short, as we brought all the baby crap into the house, we allowed the cats to explore freely - and yes, this meant we found cats sleeping in the crib, the bassinet, the bouncy seat, the activity gym thingie, the boppy and yes - baby blankets. I think being lax really paid off - NO, the cats are not in love with this newfound competition, but they are accepting. They have also quickly figured out that if I am nursing, this means that not only will I be stationary for a good 45 minutes but that I will usually have free hand for PETTING THEM. Everyone thinks their pets are little geniuses - but seriously, mine really are!

Who’s Your Daddy?

Arun will eventually realize after a quick perusal of his parent’s wedding photos that his daddy NEVER smiles for photos and always harbors a slightly trepid look when faced with a camera. No matter how happy the occasion. And yes, it is a good thing that X doesn’t read my blog and discover how casually I was willing to sacrifice HIS anonymity for the sake of Somewhat Interesting Post Material.

Things are still going well, which leaves me to wonder - what am I doing wrong? Why am I not walking around in a befuddled, sleep-deprived haze? Furthermore, while my free time has decreased quite a bit, I still manage to watch a bit of TV here and there, go on-line and hell - even READ. It’s crazy to think that it has been almost 3 weeks - it has flown by. I still can’t believe how much I am enjoying motherhood, though. It is SO fun. Yeah, I have my weepy moments, but usually they are late at night when I am tired (I am also still in some pain from recovering after the birth - it’s my own damn fault because I keep RUNNING around instead of LAYING around). Fortunately, every morning, I wake up out of the funk. It helps to have such an adorable, snugly baby to look forward to each day. Seriously. After years of deadlines, negative co-workers and mind-numbing jobs, a few dirty diapers pale in comparison. My ex-office mates at the Fed alone can out-whine Arun any day of the week - hands down.

Anyway, I realize this blog has turned into All Monkey, All the Time. Fear not - I have an actual non-baby related post rambling around in my head for next week. It’s a total Soapbox Post regarding a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I may even piss some people off with it. Gasp.

Have a great weekend!

Surely a food pantry could use some Skittles - right??

I have come to the sad conclusion that my days of hot, fresh coffee are over. Still, when I gaze into the little brown orbs of my son, I can’t help but think that cold, stale coffee ain’t so bad, either.

I have also determined that the makers of the Baby Bjorn are gods or geniuses or some combination of the two. Arun LOVES the Bjorn and immediately snuggles in for a nap when he is rounded up into it. This may help solve my dilemma for finding time to get online. I REALLY miss being online. I am lacking in my news knowledge and feel very much out of the loop. The stupid TV news channels do NOT cut it.

We had our 2nd doctor’s visit on Monday and it was an astounding success. The nurse declared me to be a “relaxed, informed mom”, which was heartening to hear. I’ll have to remember that the next time the rising panic in the back of my throat threatens to take over. Also, we found out that the little monkey weighs a whopping 8.5 lbs now. Yikes. His days of actual Newborn sized outfits are soon to be a thing of the past. I also managed to score an appointment with the doctor for my 6 week checkup EARLY - 5 weeks instead of the usual 6. I was particularly excited about this so I can get signoff even sooner to start going to the gym again. I find it odd that I am craving to go the gym like this - it’s not like I was THAT into exercising before, although I did enjoy it when I got around to it.

Finally, our first Halloween was a success as Arun and I handed out candy. All evening long, everyone cooed over my “baby skeleton”. Even the most hardened of surly teenagers couldn’t help but ooh and ahh over the little guy. I did screw up, though. Majorly. I did not give out the candy fast enough and I am now stuck with nearly 2 lbs of Skittles. Which I LOVE with a passon. It doesn't help that on Sunday, I discovered that I am at my pre-pregnancy weight now and this whole Skittles Debacle may throw a wrench in the whole matter. CRAP.

Anyway, I present for you Baby Skeleton - a costume inspired by his sonogram pics. I was going to make one from scratch, but luckily found one in a store for a mere 10 bucks.

Holy Shit. Two Weeks ALREADY?

Two Weeks and TONS of Tricks of My Sleeves Already

Good grief. I can’t believe Arun is two weeks old. I can’t believe he will finally wear his little Halloween outfit that I purchased back in AUGUST, in a fit of prenatal excitement. I can’t believe that nursing him is not agonizing anymore. I can’t believe that he gained 13 freakin’ ounces when I had him weighed last Thursday. In short, I still can'tbelieve the little dude is HERE. Wandering around in a delusional haze of sleep deprivation will do that to a person, I suppose.

I had someone comment that I seemed pretty relaxed about the whole affair, and I would say that for the most part, I AM pretty comfortable with most of what's been going on. I am still shaking my head at how much easier this has been than I thought*. Frankly, the hardest times with Arun so far pale in comparison with some of my past jobs. Furthermore, Arun comes with some obvious perks that my prior gigs never ponied up - at least Arun is not a lazy, negative, ladder-climbing, backstabber, right? (although I can't seem to shake the whole "On-call 24/7" part. DAMMIT.) Anyway, Arun is so damned snuggly and sweet right now that a poopy diaper here and a squalling fit there are worth the price of admission. He also frequently rewards us with what I have been calling “accidental smiles”. Of COURSE, he is way too young to actually be doing REAL smiles, but often, after he has eaten and is lying in a drunken, milk-induced stupor, his little mouth will purse left and right into little smiles. He has even laughed twice, which actually, was a tad creepy since newborns don’t show much emotion. It will certainly be adorable when he does all this shit for real, though.

As comfortable as I feel in this new role, I still have had my Freak Out moments. I am still not comfortable bathing him, for example. Thank goodness, the kid doesn’t have stinky sweat yet as his mama has been quite neglectful in the bathing area since I am still scared to do it. The umbilical cord stump didn’t help - which brings us to my other Freak Out moment. No one warns you how gross it is when the stump falls off. I thought something was WRONG and frantically called the Birth Center at the hospital to speak to a nurse. I had imagined the stump falling off and my precious baby’s perfect little belly button would magically appear. SO NOT THE CASE. My other freak out moment? The 1st time his little head hunched over in his car seat.** I drove home the whole way in Niagara Falls-worthy Tears Fest after having stopped to try and prop his noggin back up to no avail. I was only 5 minutes from home, but they were the longest 5 minutes of my life, with my accelerating slower than my Grandma at every stop light, people honking and zooming to get around me. OH MY - how far I had come since I was that very asshole driver myself a scant 2 weeks ago. Paybacks are a bitch, they say.

So again, everything is still going well thus far. He nurses like a champ and for the most part, sleeps so well. With one exception. We have what I have been calling the Witching Hour. From the late evening - say around 9-10 pm to about 12-1am, he is very fussy. He doesn’t actually launch into real crying or screaming, as long as we hold him. THANK GOD for the book The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp AND for my very sensible doctor. Why? Both have sanctioned that a little co-sleeping is not harmful to a child as long as 1) the parents are not obese and 2) the parents aren’t drunk . As my doctor observed, the majority of the world co-sleeps and it could be argued that we Westerners are the weird ones. NO, I don’t plan on having a family bed and certainly, Arun is going to be sleeping in his own damned bed for the most part. I did not get married to X so that we could live like mere roommates. If you know what I mean cough....cough..... Anyway, pulling Arun into bed with us for a few hours each night until he gets over his fussiness works like a charm. We suspect the fussiness is due to gas, judging by the all the Party Noise going on his relatively empty diaper. Furthermore, he sleeps in his bassinet or his crib (during the day at least) the majority of the time, so it’s not like that is a problem. Finally, X himself was a co-sleeper and he still managed to go Ivy League, so I seriously doubt we will ruin our son’s future by having him sleep with us for a few hours a night.

So, I weighed myself and I SHIT YOU NOT - I am at my pre-pregnancy weight. Good news, right? ! Bad news??? I am STILL overweight and have no baby to blame now. Again, I must emphasize that I was not PROUD of my 22 lb weight gain, but was RELIEVED. With my height, if I had gained anymore weight than the 22 lbs, I would not have been able to walk and would have been miserable. So there you have it ---- Relief vs. Pride ---- Big difference if you stop and think about it. However, I have noticed that I am getting very anxious to get back to the gym. Odd urges for me, because I had NO desire whatsoever to exercise during the pregnancy - in hindsight, I guess that exercising while pregnant made me nervous. When I work out, I like to push myself hard - for the adrenaline rush - you can't do that while toting around a bambino in your belly. So, now that there is nothing to worry about, I can't wait to get back on the elliptical machine and feel the burn. I must still wait 4 more weeks, though. Sigh

Anyway, I present for you some more pictures of the little guy. Soon, I must post a picture of him with X, so everyone can see where Arun got all of his looks. There was no chance we were going to make millions from a “switched at birth” scenario because it was pretty obvious which kid was OURS - or at a minimum, X's . There is nary a gene of mine that showed up in the little guy - except for his personal thermometer - he is just as sweaty and hot as his mama. Poor kid.

*NOTE: I said EASIER, not EASY - see the difference? Of course, there are hard times! I had always said that I was more scared of the first 6 weeks than that actual labor, so I am relieved that it has not been worse.

**And YES - the car seat was inspected by the highway patrol. That was not the problem. I was the problem!

The Hair. Oh my God, the HAIR.
Because this hair requires a daily wash/wetting down, Arun is already used to having warm water poured over his head AND receiving a good combing AND getting a good brush through as well (the brushing is ESSENTIAL - if I leave it just as a comb-through, you can see the comb tracks - much like a little old man's bad combover). He actually falls asleep during what has become his daily head massage.

Good night. And Good Luck
My mantra for every evening as I carefully place him in the bassinet.

I LURVE my Auntie J.
I have to say, I am SO grateful for my sister right now. She has held my hand through every new trauma these past weeks. I may even have to upgrade the minutes on my cell phone plan. I also realize I was the biggest hypocrite because I was not that supportive of her when she was breastfeeding and didn’t help her that much. She is having Baby #3 (Only Niece) in December and fortunately, I will have one last chance to help her - at a time when she will need it most since Older and Younger Nephew are a handful as it is. So, I have already apologized and as usual, she has forgiven me for being such an ass. Therefore, if I am indeed all that relaxed, she deserves much of the credit.

Thanks little sis. I lurve you, too!

What do I miss most from my former life?

Hands down - I miss being online.

So far, my TV viewing has not been interrupted too much - I quickly realized I won’t have time for the stupid shows I used to watch, so I pared down the recording list on the DVR. The first to go - Desperate Housewives. I’d much rather watch my baby’s eyelashes grow than sit and watch a show that had so much potential its 1st season enter such a sophmoric decline as it has this 2nd season. Also, I still am able to read, albeit not nearly as much before the Monkey arrived - as long as I can read a little bit, that is enough to keep me going. I had a friend confess that she read ONE SINGLE book during the first year of her daughter’s life. I would go INSANE if I didn’t read.

Anyway.......so, yes - I miss email, news, and blogs. I have tried to keep up on the news via TV, but it isn’t the same. I hate TV news - I feel as if I am being force fed the stupid shit that someone else has decided FOR ME is so very important. I much prefer to read news feeds via Yahoo! and Google, thank you very much. I am such a news junkie, that for the 1st week of Arun’s life, I would quiz X on the daily news - what was going on? What are the headlines? Unfortunately, X could give a crap less about celebrities, so while he apprised me of the major news, I totally missed the fact that Britney was already whoring out her new child for photos.

I miss email! That is my link to so many of my friends and I feel a bit out of touch and lost. This is compounded by the fact that I have so many things to say to my friends and it is frustrating to not be able to pound out emails like I used to.

And finally - I miss blogs! I am glad that I have been able to keep up on posting a bit on my own blog, but I miss reading my blogroll. It’s amazing how so very connected you can feel to people that you have never met. Last night, I finally was able to get some time to start the long process of catching up and it felt good.

We are getting a sort of schedule down, but of course, time will tell whether we can keep it. Overall, things are going so great that I hesitate to even TYPE THAT for fear I will jinx myself! I still have to wake the little monkey up for night feedings - I am getting him weighed today and if he has hit his birth weight, I will start letting him sleep as long as he wants during the night. I will say that sleep deprivation hasn't seemed to hit too hard because as long as I can get 2.5-3 hours at a stretch, that seems to be enough to get me through a complete sleep cycle. I will admit that I am a little paranoid because breastfeeding aside, this has been much easier than I had anticipated. I was more scared of the first 6 weeks than I was of actual labor. So far, when Arun cries, it usually easily remedied by feeding, swinging, pacifier, swaddling, or holding him close while swaying back and forth. I WISH he would also cry for diaper changes - it would help me monitor that situation better if he would help out a bit. Finally, breastfeeding is going MUCH better - the little guy is a greedy gut and latches right on these days.

I do wonder if the fact that my past few jobs were SO STRESSFUL, that having such a cute bundle to take care of pales in comparison?? Even when he does scream bloody murder or poops more than such a tiny body should be allowed to, it is so worth the little grimaces and smiles that he offers up as a reward.

Rancid Rant: SO, this week, X had to travel back to Virginia. As usual, a few people had comments that were critical of that which as usual, pissed me off. People don’t realize that X and I make these decisions TOGETHER. This is not just X's job, it is his company in which he is a partner with 2 other people - other families besides our own little threesome rely on this company. If I had asked X to stay home this week, he would have. As it was, I knew it was important that he be there this week. Besides, my mom has been clamoring to come over. When I first told my mom that X was traveling this week, before she could stop herself she blurted out “Oh good!”. She quickly apologized and we had a good laugh over it. Am I happy that X travels so much? Nope - but neither is HE. He was pretty upset that he had to leave on Sunday - he has so many stresses on him now and I see it as my job to help support him. Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership?? So yes, I get a little defensive when people act like my husband just abandoned me. sigh

Anyway, I realize this blog has turned into the Monkey News Network 24/7. Right now, there isn’t much else to post about. I am completely and utterly obsessed with his nursing cycles now, so just be glad I am not endlessly posting about THAT.

At least I didn't offer up an update on the Status of My Nipples. Do I get credit for that?

Care for a quickie?

Very quickly - the kid is temporarily distracted by the Ocean Wonders Aquarium in his crib. We are starting naps this week in the crib so he can get used to the digs that he will be shuttled to in a few months.

I have SO many things to post about, but as you can imagine NO TIME. We survived our first doctor’s visit which was followed by a frantic visit to the hospital (early Friday evening) for a bilirubin test since the little guy was still a bit jaundiced. Through a miscommunication with the lab and the doctor, we didn’t receive the results right away, so I was a weepy mess the whole weekend. Every new mom says it, but seriously - you REALLY don’t know how much you will love your new little person until you hold him/her in your arms. X is pretty laid back, but even he was on edge. The plus side is that I got a crash course in nursing in public while waiting for test - after that, I definitely felt more comfortable with the whole nursing thing.

Jaundice aside, everything is going swimmingly. Since Arun is such a deep sleeper, I still have to set an alarm for the early morning feedings or else we will BOTH sleep right through them. Please, OH PLEASE let this be a trend - once he hits 2 weeks, I will be letting him sleep as long as he wants. Nursing is getting better with each day - he is a GREAT eater and the pain is now akin to sharp pinching as opposed to a gaping gunshot wound in my chest.

I am wondering whether I can buy a hip holster for my camera. I am constantly up and down the stairs after the thing. Arun doesn’t even think twice about the flashing lights in his face now and I fear he will probably grow up thinking “paparazzi” and “mama” are synonyms.

Finally, all hail the Fisher Price Take Along Swing , the patron saint of Peaceful Babies and Productive Mamas everywhere.

OH SHIT. Must go NOW - I haven't figured out the repeat option on the Aquarium yet. MUST READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL SOON.

Coming soon to a Blog near you!!!
Next Week: Cagey tackles Assvice (Definition: Unsolicited Child Rearing Advice).

Isn't he lovely?

mymonkey,
originally uploaded by Cagey333.

Okay - Nipple Munch 2005 (This year's Theme: "Gnaw 'em til they're raw") is getting better and better. I am just so grateful is he a hungry little monkey so far.

I have to admit - it is a bit disconcerting to have a child that looks NOTHING LIKE ME WHATSOEVER. No need for a paternity test on THIS kid, that's for sure.

Anyway, so far the newest client in my Purveyor of Food business is a good customer. The pay sucks, but the bennies are worth it.

Better than Big Al, damn straight.

How in the hell does Pamela Anderson sleep at night?

Warning: Ick Free Blog Factor has been temporarily suspended for this post.

I have always maintained that hot tears shed in a hot shower makes for an easier cleanup. I tested that theory at about 4:00 am this morning as I desperately took a shower to relieve the freakin' cantoloupes that have appeared OUT OF NOWHERE on my chest yesterday. OH MY GOD - THE AGONY. No one warns you this happens when your milk comes in!!!!!! In all the handy-dandy books, there is mention of "relief for engorgement" or some other bullshit to that effect. Anyway, my sister's milk always comes in really soon like this and she said it should get easier in a day or two. I think the hardest part is that I am a side sleeper/stomach sleeper. When you have rock hard breasts, there is no choice but to sleep on your back WHICH I CANNOT DO. Long, long night........

Also, take it from me because I learned it the hard way - if you are going to breastfeed and are going to pump. READ THE INSTRUCTIONS for the damned breast pump and STERILIZE it BEFORE the kid comes. I thought I had a couple of weeks to figure out the breast pump thing! It does not work out very well when you are already engorged, it is 2:00 am, and you are in severe pain. I am kind of laughing - kind of not.

Overall, everything else is going great - I couldn't ask for it to be going any better - at this point (Note: Subject to Change) the monkey is very easy to calm down and is easily sleeping in 3-4 hour shifts. Just like his mother, he is a heavy sleeper and is a pain in the ass to wake up.

Oh and where WAS the the little monkey during all the drama last night? He slept like a baby, while I cried like one.

Who says sideburns are out of style these days?

My baby needs a haircut. And he’s 3 days old. Basically, this kid puts new meaning to the saying “Gee, look at the rug on that guy!” Even the nurses couldn’t get over his hair. I am going to have to learn how to cut hair or we will be spending this kid’s college fund on barbers.

Anyway - before I go to bed to collapse, here are some highlights. As usual, in my commitment to an Ick Free blog, I will keep the gross stuff to a minimum......

I Scream, You Scream: Labor is fucking painful. Especially when you dilate so quickly to an 8 before anyone realizes it, you almost miss that “window of opportunity” for an epidural. THANK GOD FOR DRUGS. Oh, and all that “quiet birth” shit that the Scientologists believe in? One more reason to mark Tom Cruise off as CRAZY.

Birth WITH AN EPIDURAL is Fucking Awesome: The birth itself was actually very, very cool. Because I was high on drugs and adrenline, of course.

Watch Your Mouth: I didn't curse AT ALL. I was amazed - I usually have such a pot mouth and I don't think I dropped a single f-bomb!

Dolly Parton Ain't Got Nothin' on these Cannons: Breastfeeding is equally frustrating and amazing ALL AT ONCE. However, every feeding is getting easier, my milk is already coming in and the kid is a hungry little monkey -- so I think it will work out.

Cagey Can Cave: My mom AND sister were both in the delivery room. Which actually made it more fun, oddly enough.

Go Ahead, Quit Your Daytime Job: Not to brag......but X was so incredible. There was a period of time where we feared I wasn't getting that epidural - I just can't imagine what it would been like without him there supporting me. I am so glad we didn't waste money on a doula, when he was all I needed the whole time. Maybe he should reconsider that software gig he has going on right now.... Is it creepy that I sorta feel like I fell in love with him all over again?

Can I really call him the little Freeloader to his face?

The little guy has arrived!

Arun was born Sunday 10/16/05 at 4:41pm -- he weighed in at 7.7 lbs and was 20.5 inches long. Surprise, surprise, he looks just like his daddy. :-)

I did learn that Friday and Saturday WAS NOT LABOR. I learned what that was TODAY. In short, I was dilated to an 8 before I GOT AN EPIDURAL. Good grief.

Anyway, things are great, the baby* is PERFECT and I feel awesome (for right now). I think even a few angels on high could be heard singing in the distance.

*There. I used the oft-loathed term "the baby". So sue me. That's what good drugs will do to a person.

How about some Southern Comfort instead?

40 weeks!!!

We have moved on to what my doctor terms "comfort measures" --- drinking water, Tylenol PM, and warm bath. Contractions are freaking painful, but only 10 minutes apart. At least I am HOME in my own bed. Normal Olathe Grandma keeps calling and insisting I go to the hospital. THIS, coming from a woman who gave birth to her children in her own mother's home. I don't WANT to go to the hospital - I'd much rather be HERE. At home. In my own bed.

X is the best husband EVER. He is an awesome labor coach, as a bonus. Very grateful I snagged him.....

Still, this is as bad as expected, but certainly not worse. Having dry sockets after my wisdom teeth were taken out still ranks as #1 in the Worst Pain Ever.

Are we there yet?

1:50 am: Off to the hospital.
4:05 am: Back home again.

I am definitely in Early Labor, but am not dilated, so I was sent home - WHICH WAS FINE BY ME. I would MUCH rather do this at HOME than in the hospital. I see now why the whole "home birth" thing is so popular. By 3:30 am, I was begging to be sent home because I knew the little Freeloader wasn't coming anytime soon (although, I suspect he will arrive today or tomorrow). Anyway, I'd much rather lie around in my own bed, thank you very much.

Of course, this means I can't sit on my brand new living room furniture for the time being!

Does it get better?

39 weeks, 5 days

I still feel like SHIT. However, I AM still amazed at how this just “works out”. Seriously, until Sunday, life was a peach! I was active, having fun, and that entire day I was SO productive. Now? I can’t even sit upright for too long because it is so painful -- laying on my side is best at this point. I have a “reading station” set up near my bed so I can prop books up easily and am extremely grateful I forked over the money for the Sharper Image body pillow early on in this pregnancy. The purchase has paid for itself several times over since the one thing I can NOT complain about is a lack of sleep. I am a “side sleeper” anyway, but this pillow made all the difference.

So yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment and learned the good news is that I am holding steady with my 22 lbs weight gain (Krispy Kreme here I come!!!!!). The bad news is that the Freeloader has made no progress whatsoever. If he isn’t here by the 19th, we will be making plans for my inducement on the 21st.

Anyway, I finished the day off with a lovely lunch thrown by X’s company and then I went home and BACK TO BED. I slept the rest of the day, got up for dinner, watched some TV, then went BACK TO BED.

The scariest part? At this rate, I am sleeping as much as our cats.

How DO I feel?

LIKE CRAP.

The human body is a beautiful, wonderful, miraculous thing. Last week, I was NOT anxious for this kid to come and WHY ON EARTH WOULD I BE? I felt great and was having fun - knitting, reading, watching TV, doing artsy stuff, watching movies - in general, BEING PRODUCTIVE. Now? Um, not so much. I can watch TV, sure, but all that other stuff doesn't sound so appealing now. I was going to see a movie yesterday, but couldn't drag my weary ass out the door.

So, in short, this is biology at its finest - if I still felt great, I wouldn't be ready for this kid to come, right?

HOWEVER, NOW I AM SO READY.

Am I Anxious?

Tick..Tock.......Tick..Tock...... 39 weeks, 2 days

The time has flown! Am I anxious? No. Am I ready? Yes, certainly, but I am definitely not anxious. I am still having fun and getting a TON o’ things done around the house - I finished the nursery, (BAD Mommy!), helped X sort out over $13,000 and 4 months worth of business receipts so he can get REIMBURSED FOR THEM FINALLY (BAD Daddy!) installed our replacement ice maker (all by MYSELF. Hearing the clunk of ice cubes going into the tray was a balm to my soul, I was so nervous installing the damned thing ), I knit 6 more rows on the Freeloader’s baby blanket (estimated completion date? Kindergarten), started felting a recently finished knitting project, watched 7 more episodes of Veronica Mars Season 1, finally imported Pink Floyd’s UmmaGumma Studio Album into the iPod and finished a book (Jhumpa Lahiri’s “The Namesake” - a LOVELY, wonderful book that I simply did not want to end) and nearly finished Dr. Ferber's book on sleeping habits for children (The man is a genious and NO, he does not advocate just cruelly letting your kid scream in his room until he pukes. Anyone that makes that claim has clearly not read his book.). Oh, and I also saw 2 movies over the weekend and am hoping to catch another one today.

Rancid Review: I mentioned that I had seen 2 movies this weekend - X and I saw “The 40 Year Old Virgin” - since that movie has been out for so long, it will be enough to say that the movie was great and met all comedic expectations, although I was a little shocked at the vulgarity of the language used. I have a potty mouth myself and I will still shocked at some of things said in the course of the movie. The other movie I saw was “Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit”. I arrived very early for the first showing available on Friday armed with sugar and nitrates. I was not disappointed! This movie was GREAT - truly a stellar piece of stop-motion animation at its very best (Note: If you see this movie, keep an eye out for the FINGERPRINTS on the models, which lend an air of authenticity and grit to the hard work involved in these productions - you don't get THAT in a Disney movie!). I am hoping to catch it once more before the Freeloader makes his arrival, but there are several other movies I’d like to catch first, so the prospects are grim. Thank goodness for the RidiculousTV as this is a DVD I will definitely be buying. For the Freeloader, of course.

Out Damned Squirrel! All the squirrels are gone - there were 5 total. While I am still a little sick over #4's long, traumatic death, I am also pretty faint at the price tag. The math on the whole thing quickly adds to well over $600, without considering the HVAC and electrical work to be done. I just hope the saga is over and done. That's all I can say.

Nesting Schmesting: When I spoke to my aunt yesterday and she heard of all my accomplishments this weekend, she declared emphatically that “I was nesting”. WHATEVER. I know people must attach a cutesy, stupid name for whatever reason, but I call this good old-fashioned common sense. Why wouldn’t I bustle around getting things done? Besides, I had sat on that replacement ice maker for TEN MONTHS - it was getting to be a “Do or Die” situation. Hell, I may just drag out that damned sweater as well. I can see why I wasn’t enthusiastic about seaming the pieces together during the SUMMER, but now that chilly weather is upon us AND I will be able to wear normal clothes in a few months, there is incentive to finally seam the pieces of a sweater that I knit back in February. The Freeloader has little to do with THAT.

Jalapenos And Curry For Babies?

At the baby shower thrown by my family, I kept cracking about feeding the Freeloader fish curry. They thought I was joking......... NOT

O Squirrel #5, Where Art Thou?

Dear Squirrel #5,

I understand that last night must have been upsetting to you - putting it mildly, of course. I, myself, shed a tear or two as your sister thrashed, squealed and cried in her final death throes. I even had a nightmare about it while sleeping last night. While I hate PETA, I do love animals and have realized that this is no longer funny. Long, painful deaths are just not my cup of tea. In retrospect, I also realize that my cackling and celebratory Dance o’ Death conducted in my front yard after your mother, brother and other sister had met their grisly ends may have appeared a bit unseemly as well and for this, I apologize. It’s just that your little teeth are so sharp. They chew holes in my roof, my HVAC ductwork and most distressingly, my electrical wiring.

So, please - Squirrel #5, I beg of you - just stick your little snout in the trap and accept the destiny that is yours. Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Management

Who says that being nice doesn’t pay?

My first job was at McDonald’s - I was 16 and flush with excitement at the prospect of a paycheck. I only worked there a year and half, but was promoted to crew trainer in that time period. When I left, they were disappointed and tried to convince me to stay through college with “tantalizing” offers of “manager” positions available. No thanks! However, I did learn quickly at McD’s that the job went by much more quickly if I was polite to the customers. Yes - you read that correctly. I can’t tell you how many times I coaxed a smile or a simple acknowledgement that I existed just by being friendly. Was I friendly all the time? Probably not - we all have our bad days. After the McDonald’s experience, I moved on to telemarketing for a year, then to bill collection/customer service at Sallie Mae, then to the financial aid office at the University of Kansas. As a customer service representative (CSR) in various capacities, I learned the crucial point to good customer service is to BE NICE. I am the first to admit that someone on the phone yelling and calling me a “bitch” got the very minimum of help that I was required to give. Why, oh why, would I ruin my own call statistics to help someone who was so uncouth towards me? Exactly.

Over the years, I have had some really great CSR experiences and I know they are due to the fact I always try to keep my voice calm and polite while on the phone with the CSR. A small comment as to “Wow, it sounds really busy there!” has elicited MANY relieved comments from CSRs over the years. When a CSR mentions how slow their computer is moving, I always respond with “Oh, I hear you - I face the same myself.” While waiting for the computer to crank to the next screen, I may even ask which town they are in. Just these simple things (empathy, patience and controlling of anger) have gone a long, long way.

So, last night as I am paying my bills, I noticed that my Sprint wireless bill went from it’s usual $85 to over $300 a month. I had a Braxton-Hicks contraction - no kidding. I called Sprint thinking there must be some mistake. At first, the CSR was a typical Sprint CSR - very tired of customers calling and griping about the same old thing. I held my tongue and had him guide me through the process of looking at my bill. At one point in the call, I realized that the mistake was MINE - I had gone way over my minutes (a first for me, I should note and I have been been a customer since 1997). At this point, I have to admit I lost it a little - I ended up telling this poor guy about the squirrel squealing at that very moment in his death throes, my kitchen faucet coming apart, etc etc and that this phone bill was the last straw. However, I admitted that I would just need to be better at monitoring my minutes and I did apologize for getting emotional . He was very polite and we ended the call.

Less than 5 minutes later, he CALLS ME BACK and says that since I am a very valuable customer and that he can see from my history I have never gone over my minutes before, he is going to give me a $50 credit towards my bill. Furthermore, he noted that I had "accepted responsibility for my mistake and that went a long way with him as a customer service representative." How’s that for being nice?

I am now digging for some stationary - I don’t usually write letters to companies, but Sprint is going to hear from me on this one!!

Where the hell are they coming from?

Okay, at first it was kinda nice to have something to blog about besides the Freeloader. But this is ridiculous. The Critter Guy came to collect Carcass #3. Soon after he left, I heard some high-pitched Squirrel Squealing going on and I peeked outside. Not-Yet-A-Carcass#4 was wriggling around in the trap and ANOTHER little buddy (aka #5) was hanging out nearby egging him on. So, #4 has nearly wriggled free and it is quite distressing - where is he going to go? In the attic? To die? Chew more holes? Burn our house down? And what about #5? HOW MANY MORE ARE THERE? I had hoped there would only be four - this is costing us 60 bucks a pop. Our total tally thus far for only FOUR squirrels is $400 - this is BEFORE #5 and BEFORE any of the roof/eaves repairs, electrical repairs, and HVAC repairs.

Also, the carcasses (carci? what's the plural?) don't end at rodents. I also have a dead BIRD on my front porch that must be disposed of. YUCK. I am surrounded by death!

And it’s only 6:34pm. To make things uber-lovely, as I get to the kitchen sink and turn the water on, the handle flies off. Now, I see a plumber in my future. It's dandy to be clairvoyant, eh?

It’s gonna be a long, long night.

Why is that squirrel sleeping?

Squirrel Business: The squirrel carcass is still dangling from the rooftop. It is becoming less and less funny and instead, more and more gross. Bleh. My sister and the Nephews were over this morning and Older Nephew calmly observed “That squirrel up there is stuck in a spider web!”. Um, yes, YES HE IS. What else could we say? "Aunt Cagey is the sworn enemy of rodents with fluffy tails and has a disgusting sense of humor much like your Redneck Tightwad Grandpa?? " Of course not - although, I will admit a call into Critter Control is warranted - the thing needs to be carted away. YUCK.

Cribbage: Well, my marriage has survived yet another milestone! We successfully assembled a crib and we are STILL MARRIED. Nary a curse word was thrown, although there were some extremely tense moments. I was shocked at how stressful the whole venture was. I wasn’t that worried about even having a crib, as evidenced by my sheer laziness in getting around to purchasing one, but did push to assemble it ASAP because we only had 7 days from the date of receipt to report damages. I was shocked at the extremely crappy instructions - I am not normally shocked at furniture instructions this bad, but this is a CRIB, a place where all New Mommies are warned of the 100+ ways their precious progeny can DIE or become INJURED in one. I expected more, at a minimum, from a liability standpoint from the furniture manufacturer. Anyway, we got it together and I managed to keep my paranoia at a minimum.

Baby Pool: The countdown begins - if you would like to gander a guess at the little Freeloader's weight, see details on the sidebar to the left......

Adventures in BabyBuilding: I had my 38 week appointment with the doctor this morning. My total weight gain thus far is 22 lbs. Rock on. I may have to splurge and finally let myself have a Krispy Kreme since I am well on my way to keeping the gain under 25 lbs, my original goal. I don’t really like doughnuts all that much, but I could marry a Krispy Kreme (X, move over!). Anywho - during the appointment, my doctor became concerned that my amniotic fluid was low, so I had an ultrasound this afternoon. Everything looks fine, so it was a minor false alarm. However, I may be in some other sort of trouble. I’ll be damned if during the ultrasound the little Freeloader didn’t take his teensy hands and play with his feet! TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS. My heart melted right then and there. Seriously - we had to scoop it up in a cup, so I can put it back in the freezer to get it solid again.

Little shit - I was determined to be the disciplinarian, but if he is going to pull cute tricks like that on me, he may get away with more than I had originally planned. DAMN.