As promised - the Assvice Post. I have gotten unsolicited advice from a wide range of people - grandmas, great-aunts, my cleaning lady and even strangers in the streets - in stores such as Lowe’s*. This post was not nearly as fun to write and did not make for the funny material I had hoped it would. Actually, some of these just plain pissed me off. Therefore, this is more of a Rancid Rant than a Rancid Rave. Ah well......
“Give Him Rice Cereal and He’ll Sleep Through the Night!”
This old wive’s tale was offered when I hadn’t even complained about sleep deprivation, thus making it the most truant of all the Assvice I have received. I am not giving a tiny baby SOLIDS. I don’t care if it that was the thing du jour in the 70s or not. After all, back then it was also okay to drink and smoke indiscriminately while pregnant.
“If You Keep Holding That Baby, You’re Going to Spoil Him Rotten!”
The stupidity of this little gem is mind-boggling. Um, yeah, SURE - snuggling my little monkey and giving him love and kisses is going to make him rotten. HUH?
”Don’t Wake that Baby Up! Let Him Sleep Through the Night if He Wants!”
This treasure was given after I mentioned that I had to set my alarm so I could wake up to feed the baby. What was most infuriating about this obnoxious comment is that my baby was fucking JAUNDICED. Guess what? Jaundiced babies are listless and just want to sleep. Furthermore, the way to get rid of the jaundice is to FEED HIM so he can POOP the bad stuff OUT. Letting him sleep through the night would just make him even MORE jaundiced. Believe me, a new mommy with a yellow baby does NOT need to hear this shit.
"Don't Let that Baby Sleep with You (Insert Random Horriffic Event) )!"
I am not necessarily an advocate of Attachment Parenting or even co-sleeping. However, for now, having the kid sleep with us WORKS. He sleeps and more importantly, I sleep. My doctor was the one to point out that the U.S. and the Western World in general is the minority on the practice of separate beds. Anyway, since I don't plan on sleeping with my child while drunk or obese, he will be just fine. Besides, X himself was a co-sleeper and he came out fairly unharmed.
“That Baby Needs Socks on His Feet!”
Yes, he does. I guess sweating through a onesie AND a blanket which resulted in a heat rash means he is fucking COLD.
“Don’t Get Wind in the Baby’s Ears!”
What gets me on this one is that no dire consequence is offered. Indeed, what WILL happen if the baby does get wind in his ears?
"You Don't Need to Be Running Around with that Baby so Much!"
My being cooped up in a house with "that baby" for days on end can lead to no good. My guess it that we would end up having like our own little game of "Survivor" . Outwit? Outplay? Outlast? My money is on the kid.
”Keep that Baby out of the Wind or He’ll Get a Bellyache!”
This goody is so fucking stupid that I couldn’t even think of a sarcastic comment for it.
“Keep that Baby Inside!”
Yes, particularly since we know that fresh air and sunshine KILLS.
"You Don't Need to be Taking That Baby to (Insert Hip Urban Kansas City Location of your Choosing)! It's dangerous!"
Considering that someone DIED in my cushy suburban Target parking lot this past summer, I am willing to gamble a bit by going to the "shadier" places in Kansas City.
“Better Keep those Cats Away From that Baby”
Frankly, the cats are more concerned with where their next meal is coming from and ensuring that I am available 24/7 in my capacity as Doorman to the Felines. They could care less about the baby at this point. Of course, this indifference will fade as soon as the Monkey discovers the irresistable lure of a fluffy tail, but it’s not like the cats are going to try and exact some sort of revenge.
”Don’t Eat Spicy Food or the Baby Will Get Sick”
I’ll admit that as I hungrily wolfed down Thai food the very first day back home from the hospital, I saw a brief question mark hovering over that styrofoam takeout container . However, I quickly brought myself back to reality as I pondered, “What the fuck do women eat in Thailand?”.
“Don’t Let Anyone Hold Him at Thanksgiving Dinner or He’ll Get Sick!”
While I am not exactly a proponent of picking up dead birds and rubbing them in the Monkey’s face, a germ here or there at the hands of a loving relative is NOT going to hurt the kid.
“Don’t Swaddle That Baby Too Tight! (AKA,"Oh, Poor Baby - Your Mama is Squeezing You Too Tight!” )
Yes, I guess the kid is NOT BREATHING as opposed to merely sleeping peacefully.
*In another losing bout with Irony, I was the one to take my son to Lowe’s for the first time. In fact, I will be the ONLY one to ever take our son to Lowe’s, given the fact that all the freakin’ tools in the garage are MINE ALL MINE.