Dear Squirrel #5,
I understand that last night must have been upsetting to you - putting it mildly, of course. I, myself, shed a tear or two as your sister thrashed, squealed and cried in her final death throes. I even had a nightmare about it while sleeping last night. While I hate PETA, I do love animals and have realized that this is no longer funny. Long, painful deaths are just not my cup of tea. In retrospect, I also realize that my cackling and celebratory Dance o’ Death conducted in my front yard after your mother, brother and other sister had met their grisly ends may have appeared a bit unseemly as well and for this, I apologize. It’s just that your little teeth are so sharp. They chew holes in my roof, my HVAC ductwork and most distressingly, my electrical wiring.
So, please - Squirrel #5, I beg of you - just stick your little snout in the trap and accept the destiny that is yours. Thank you.