April 6, 2009

But, what about Oprah?

So, our new neighbors are moving in. Neighbors as in "right next door" neighbors. As in "sharing a fence" neighbors. As in "my bedroom window looks into your bedroom window" neighbors. Those neighbors.

X met the husband yesterday and got some basic, useless information, because you know, X is of the male persuasion, a man. He got the ages of the kids (younger ones are nearly the exact same age as ours), found out the husband is a teacher, and that the wife's parents already live here. What he failed to dig deep for was the important bits of information about my 'potential new BFF. The facts that matter. Does the wife stay home? What are the genders of the kids? What are the wife's parents names? (so I can check with my grandma to get any Additional Scoop in case the parents are Old Olathe, the moniker my grandma uses when folks are actually from here.) Does the wife like chocolate? Target? Mexican food? The zoo? Parks? Red wine? Oprah, America's Official Girlfriend?

Speaking of Oprah, I watched the whole "secret lives of moms" thing. Overall, I thought the episode was a pretty "meh" and just a repeat of the usual Motherhood is So Hard theme (cue back of the hand to the forehead, then heave a heavy sigh.) Although, I do wonder if reading Erma Bombeck and Teresa Bloomingdale back in high school and early college may have clued me in to the fact that babies are babies quite stinky and motherhood is not all bliss? And another thing - are mothers really not taking showers? Really? Is this a joke? I do not get it. Even if Arun had to scream for 5 minutes, I still took my goddamned shower every single day. Even these days, I take a shower with at least one child outside asking if I am done yet.

The one thing that really spoke to me was when Cheryl Hines talked about how hard it is to not "be there" for her friends like she used to be able. I do hate that I am not a good friend any longer. Seriously, I am NOT a good friend and I hold no pretenses otherwise. And at this point in my life, I just cannot be. Good grief, ask Monkey, it took at least two (three? four?) phone conversations before I was able to get the entire story of her recent boyfriend breakup. And I felt terrible about having to let her go mid-conversation each time. And Average Jane has been in a band for so long now yet, I have not been to see a single gig.

Sigh. I could write paragraph after paragraph of excuses, but it is what it is.

12 comments:

Anjali said...

You know, I almost never watch Oprah, but happened to turn it on today. I thought the whole episode was so petty. I couldn't believe that most of the moms talked about such superficial things like poop and not getting to take a shower.

Your point -- not being able to have the same type of relationships with friends that you did before motherhood -- that's a really difficult thing that many mothers can relate to. I would have loved for some of the moms to address that.

Average Jane said...

The good news is that real friends understand when you can't just drop everything and hang out the way you could in the pre-child days. :)

Cagey said...

Average Jane,
And a real friend still feels bad that she cannot drop everything. :-)

Brit said...

Not being able to be there is the hardest thing for me. I'm feeling that right now. When our friend's husband passed I wanted to rush to her side, but I have small people who need me to feed them and stuff.

Being a mom for me means rarely being alone. Which sometimes equates to rarely being able to think complete thoughts.

The other night as I was driving to quilt group, alone, I had this overwhelming urge to drive my car six hours to my friends house to just give her the night off because, I wanted to do something for her, anything. And I can't I can't just drive six hours (one way) because there are little ones that actually need me to watch over them. I can't just drive six hours no matter how much I need to do that for my friend because I have small ones.

But then she knows that, she has small ones too. Sometimes, I wish I had a live in nanny..but rarely.

Hugs to all the moms, who feel bad that they can't be there for their friends. Our timewill come....

Dee said...

I recorded Oprah and watched it last night and the same part resonated with me. I've been really feeling horrible lately about not being there for my friends. Having 2 kids makes it even more difficult. I know the friends with kids of their own understand, but the ones that don't probably just think I don't care about them any more. I hate it, yet I can't really fix it right now.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Combine kids with the fact that my dearest friends are across the country, or farther in one case, and I often feel like I am a friend failure.

Oddly enough, I manage to shower when I wanted to with my twins, but the newest boy has prevented me from showering on occasion...mostly because he is safe nowhere on his own for five minutes, and even if he was, a five-minute shower won't satisfy me.

Cagey said...

All,
I was pretty lucky with the showers when Anju was born. Arun was still too little/short to navigate doors. So I had a couple of choices, I would put Anjali in the crib (pretty much the only time she used it), shut that door, then bring Arun with me, shut THAT door. Then, shower like Lightening McQueen because someone was usually crying at that point. The other choice was to bring Anjali into the bathroom with me so that I could keep an eye on her, then lock Arun in our bedroom, but out of the bathroom. Sigh. Seems complicated now, but it made sense at the time. I blame the hormones - that's my story and I am stickin' to it.

jodifur said...

I hate to be a naysayer, but i hated that Oprah. I thought it was a whole bunch of whinnying with nothing of constructive. Of course parenthood is hard! But what can we do to make it easier. Don't you a a minivan? Don't get one!

Ok, vent over.

The Hunter's Prize said...

I have wondered the same thing about mom's not showering. It's never seemed like I couldn't shower, and he's grumbled through them on occasion. I might delay a shower till he's happier but if I need to shower and he's not happy, then it's just a quick shower for me and he can cry for a few minutes.

jodifur said...

that comment was supposed to read, don't want a mini van, dont get one. Typing too fast.

Mamma Sarah said...

Amen to this entire post. Being a mom does have a tendency to severely change being a good friend to others. :-)

Heza Hekele said...

I just can't figure out how you manage to get a shower in without it being hyjacked by the toddler...