May 16, 2006

Isn’t all this baby safety crap actually just a
conspiracy against Natural Selection?

I'm surprised BeelzeBush's cronies haven't tried THAT one, yet. Because seriously, dude - if my kid can’t figure out how not to pull the curling iron down on top of his head and just leave the cord the fuck alone ALREADY blah blah blah. Insert a big fucking sigh right HERE, please. I left him for 2.2 seconds in the master bathroom where all 5 doors and 4 drawers are child-proofed YET I managed to leave a dangling, oh so irresistable cord hanging in full grasp. NO, the iron wasn’t even turned on and YES, he immediately stopped crying when I picked him up and NO, it’s not clear whether he actually knocked his noggin or not and YES, accidents happen. Still, I sorta feel like I should return my Bluetooth headset that X so thoughtfully gave me as a thankyouverymuch for birthin’ him a son. Sorta.

So - question for the Internet - what exactly constitutes “crawling”? He’s past the “rocking” stage and is using his knees and hands for transportation for about 3-4 “crawls” before going down on his stomach and just propelling himself forward by pushing with the feet. This is definitely a progression from ole log roll and back scootching that was his prior mode of transportation. In short, this kid is mobile in all directions and is not content with just toys anymore - baby gates must go up, which means my lazy ass must go DOWN to the basement where said gates are covered with dust and spiders. Leavenworth Grandma was over here on Monday and she swears he is crawling, but she also likes to tell people that we descended from the Bourbons of Spain, so there you go. It’s crazy - he just started this “trying to crawl” thing just before we left for DC and now, it’s ALL he wants to do. Why is that? Why doesn't he want to hunker down on toys anymore and just STAY PUT? I guess that's asking for too much when there are cats to be grabbed, cashews and sunflower seeds to be carefully plucked from the floor, plastic bags for sticking his head into, knitting needles to stick in his eye, and daddy’s shoes to gnaw upon. How the HELL is this kid going to survive walking?

Anyway, is THIS crawling? I don’t think it is and of course, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things WHEN he does actually begin - he’ll probably still get into kindergarten. However it still begs the question - what is the definition of crawling? I think there should be standards for crawling so there are NO MISTAKES. Say, a 3 foot minimum?

More NonCrawling Pics Simply Because I Bought the Flickr Upgrade and Dammit, I Want My Money’s Worth

This was taken just prior to the Journey Towards the Coffee Table.

I love this picture because I suspect it will be only one of many, MANY photo ops underneath the Black Elephant (called so because it needs a Ridiculous amount of $$$$ for repairs). Leavenworth Grandma and my own mother both played underneath this piano (I didn’t because LG didn’t live around here when I was little). Anyway, I see many hours of playing Tent in Arun’s future.

P.S. One thing that cracked me up about the baby panda at the National Zoo is that when said panda was born, they had to "baby-proof" the area to keep him from hurting himself.

Updated to Add:Oh, Holy Crap - just read Amalah's site and I am thankful that my kid hasn't learned how to STAND yet. I just finished baby-proofing the FLOORS - I am not ready for the TABLES yet. Cripes.


Zoot said...

NikkiZ "crawls" the SAME way.

Kelly said...

yup, some kids never "crawl" they use the first thing they figure out - either way you're definately in the "oh shit what's he doing now" stage!

alimomof2 said...

Oh, he's crawling! My first only "military crawled" until he walked. My second did this funky crawl using his right knee and left foot until he walked. As long as they can MOVE look out!

DeAnn said...

I believe that constitutes crawling. Some babies never actually get up on hands and knees and crawl. They go straight from that thing your boy is doing to walking.

And also, do NOT return the headset. No amount of accidents (and there will be many, obviously) takes away the fact that you birthed that boy!!

Diana said...

Yes. He's crawling. Trust me.

Get ready to have nothing of a non-breakable nature within 4 feet of the floor for many, many years. Your house will look like you're awaiting a flood.

Jenn said...

WOW!! How funny that I posted about the "crawling?? vs Crawling!!!" on my blog today. Allie has been doing the non-crawling but moving FAST thing for a couple of weeks now. Last night we got the real thing. Go see Video on my site.

I kinda think as long as they are's crawling...and yea I have no gates yet either.

Goofy Girl said...

Crawling! and Walking! Pshaw! You guys are wimps.

Just you wait for Climbing! And "Pushing Chair Over to Counter, Mounting Chair and Getting Goody from Counter". That's when the real fun starts. Gulp.

Cagey said...

I just spent the morning with a "real" crawler, so no, I don't think Arun is there quite yet. Just really damned close. Regardless, his slow and predictable gait is a thing of the past.

SRB said...

I don't know anything about crawling, but I did want to say you make motherhood less scary (not that I'm in a hurry) to me. I like reading your very funny blog thanks to Monkey in Suit's blog listing.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

I can't speak to whether or not that's a real crawl, it looks like a crawl to me but it could be an advanced slither or I don't know. I just had to write to say that he's getting exponentially more darling by the day! In addition to the Baby Pantene hair he's got the most beautiful eyes-I really like the shots you get of him looking up.

I don't envy you having to look into those eyes and say no once he decides he needs a pair of expensive sneakers and the run of the basement to set up a hacker center.