Seriously. I hate the sun. It's hot, it blinds my eyes and it burns my skin. Bah. We've had rain here for the past few days and I am in HEAVEN.
In a similar vein, Surrender Dorothy asked me yesterday how I manage to stay so positive and I about choked when I read that. I don't consider myself a positive person. At all. However, I do have Perspective and maybe she mistook that for being positive. Currently? Things are very, very scary around the Rancid le Manse and sometimes I feel panicky if I think too long or too hard. I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old toddler who has NO clue as to what is about to hit him. And I have NO way of really preparing him because he is too young. I have a husband who is starting a new business from scratch. We are living on savings. He is traveling a lot (did you see the part about my being "35 weeks pregnant"?). Furthermore, if this Big Idea becomes a Really Fucking Big Idea, then we will most likely have to move - East or West coast (please be East! pleaseohpleaseohplease). Regardless, on either coast we won't get nearly as much for our money in the housing market as we get here which means we'll be living in our cars. That's a lot to hang over my head right now.
I can't say that I am positive about it, but I do have Perspective.
I know that I am incredibly excited about my baby girl who is coming soon and I can't wait to meet her. I know that Arun will be FINE, just FINE after adjusting to all the changes. If the worst thing that ever happens to him is that we had the audacity to subject him to a baby sister, then I'd say he's one pretty lucky kid. So yeah, he'll be all right. And I know that we aren't going to blow through all of our savings haphazardly and that furthermore, the savings were put there for the very purpose of this entrepreneurial lifestyle that we've chosen to lead. I know that X would be stifled and miserable marching to a Corporate Drum. I know that even if I do go into labor while X is out of town, it won't be the worst that could happen - in the end, all that really, TRULY matters is that Anjali arrives safe and sound. And, I know that if we do have to move away from my friends and family, I will be all right, too. I will need to see it as an adventure and an opportunity for making new friends and ultimately, a new life.
So, it's not about being positive, it's about looking past tomorrow, next week or even next year. For many folks, most problems and fears are temporary and will often resolve themselves eventually. And that's how I keep myself sane when I feel like everything is crashing down around me. However, feel free to throw this post back in my face when I freaking out in July.
I look at the pictures of Arun when he was so teeny tiny and I remember that incredible sinking of my stomach as I realized with dismay that a little chunk of my heart had been torn from my body. A piece of my heart that I had very little control over. A piece of my heart that would always be out there in the world, walking around, just waiting for someone to stomp on it. A piece of my heart that could utterly crush the rest of my heart. Arun was only 6 days old at the time and I sobbed on X's shoulder with the realization of how scared I was that I could love someone so thoroughly, so unconditionally. And I realized that I had to let that Fear go and instead, have a little Faith that everything would end up okay.
That, my friends, is Perspective.