May 30, 2007

Why is "sunny" such a good thing?

Seriously. I hate the sun. It's hot, it blinds my eyes and it burns my skin. Bah. We've had rain here for the past few days and I am in HEAVEN.

In a similar vein, Surrender Dorothy asked me yesterday how I manage to stay so positive and I about choked when I read that. I don't consider myself a positive person. At all. However, I do have Perspective and maybe she mistook that for being positive. Currently? Things are very, very scary around the Rancid le Manse and sometimes I feel panicky if I think too long or too hard. I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old toddler who has NO clue as to what is about to hit him. And I have NO way of really preparing him because he is too young. I have a husband who is starting a new business from scratch. We are living on savings. He is traveling a lot (did you see the part about my being "35 weeks pregnant"?). Furthermore, if this Big Idea becomes a Really Fucking Big Idea, then we will most likely have to move - East or West coast (please be East! pleaseohpleaseohplease). Regardless, on either coast we won't get nearly as much for our money in the housing market as we get here which means we'll be living in our cars. That's a lot to hang over my head right now.

I can't say that I am positive about it, but I do have Perspective.

I know that I am incredibly excited about my baby girl who is coming soon and I can't wait to meet her. I know that Arun will be FINE, just FINE after adjusting to all the changes. If the worst thing that ever happens to him is that we had the audacity to subject him to a baby sister, then I'd say he's one pretty lucky kid. So yeah, he'll be all right. And I know that we aren't going to blow through all of our savings haphazardly and that furthermore, the savings were put there for the very purpose of this entrepreneurial lifestyle that we've chosen to lead. I know that X would be stifled and miserable marching to a Corporate Drum. I know that even if I do go into labor while X is out of town, it won't be the worst that could happen - in the end, all that really, TRULY matters is that Anjali arrives safe and sound. And, I know that if we do have to move away from my friends and family, I will be all right, too. I will need to see it as an adventure and an opportunity for making new friends and ultimately, a new life.

So, it's not about being positive, it's about looking past tomorrow, next week or even next year. For many folks, most problems and fears are temporary and will often resolve themselves eventually. And that's how I keep myself sane when I feel like everything is crashing down around me. However, feel free to throw this post back in my face when I freaking out in July.

From this:

To this:

I look at the pictures of Arun when he was so teeny tiny and I remember that incredible sinking of my stomach as I realized with dismay that a little chunk of my heart had been torn from my body. A piece of my heart that I had very little control over. A piece of my heart that would always be out there in the world, walking around, just waiting for someone to stomp on it. A piece of my heart that could utterly crush the rest of my heart. Arun was only 6 days old at the time and I sobbed on X's shoulder with the realization of how scared I was that I could love someone so thoroughly, so unconditionally. And I realized that I had to let that Fear go and instead, have a little Faith that everything would end up okay.

That, my friends, is Perspective.


flybunny said...

Can I have some of your perspective, seriously I could use a good healthy dose of it right about now.....

Cagey said...

Oh Flybunny! Believe me when I say that I DO think of you when I write these posts because you actually have SERIOUS stuff going on. These "perspective" posts are really geared towards those sorts of things that will usually work themselves out in the long run.


Modern Day Hermit said...

He is so damn cute, pardon my language....but I just want to pick him up and squeeze him!

Second...Words have never rang more true, the sun is so overrated, I'm so glad to hear someone else say somewhat similar words. I miss the Midwestern cloudy days.

In terms of perspective, I do think positive and a good perspective go hand in hand. You can't have a good perspective without a bit of positive in there somewhere.

And the way I see it, no matter what my situation is, there are always a lot of people who would gladly take my problems, you just have to look for the good parts, know it won't be like that forever and if it is, go back to looking for the good parts again and I supposed that's where positive thinking comes along.

And, I also think a person is allowed to freak out here and there. Heck, you [figurative] can't do it all and not get a chance to let it out :).

Does being excited for your Anjali to arrive make me a weirdo?! Have I said that before or just typed it and deleted it, haha.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

Aww, Cagey, this is a really lovely post. *hugs*

Not to make light of the fact that the entrepreneurial lifestyle is incredibly stressful, especially when you're trying to launch your idea-but you know what the good part is? X is qualified at the level that if really necessary, he'd have that corporate job in a minute.

Jenny said...

My perspective is clouded today, by a sinus headache. Thanks to the pressure system and the rain. I do much better when its sunny. Am cranky, my widdle head hurts.
You are right, Arun will be fine with baby sis, and it won't rock his world as badly as you fear. My kids are 26 months apart, and Drew did fine with the baby. Because babies sleep so much (er, mine did anyway) you still get to spend quality time with your toddler while baby is in the crib in the other room. It really became a problem for us only when little bro got big enough to be MOBILE. And get into big bro's toys. Then it got interesting...

Leah said...

I understand how hard it can be to look at the (generally very massive) bright side. But it works out in the end.

Like how my husband wasn't at the birth because of the stupid bar exam. I told him he doesn't have any more free passes for future kids though! :)

Oh, and I love rainy days too. I am a bit of a vampire.

Christy said...

Without a doubt, you definitely have a lot on your plate right now. But you are handling everything with grace. Your my hero Cagey!

If you move to the east coeast, we could totally hang out. Have I mentioned that I have no friends in New Jersey?

Modern Day Hermit said...

Just stopped by to say I hope I didn't sound all holier-than-thou or anything b/c that's not what I meant, if it sounded that way.

Cagey said...

You did NOT sound holier than thou - I know where you are coming from. Also, I thought of YOU, too when I wrote this post - that Arizonan sun can never be forgotten once experienced. And also, you of all people, know all too well that one absolutely MUST keep his/her eye on the prize and not get bogged down on "today". :-)

Yes, you are right that X probably wouldn't have trouble finding a job as a Corporate Drummer. That helps us sleep at night.

Your experience has been my sister's experience to a T. Once the younger sibling gets into the Sharing Action, they lose their novelty a bit. hee hee

WOW - I didn't know that your husband couldn't be the birth. Since I've taken the CPA exam AND given birth, I can actually see BOTH sides to that story. What a quandary!

I do have a lot on my plate, but it's mostly good stuff, at least! Also, while it IS scary, it's also exciting, too. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I like a good adrenaline rush myself sometimes.

dorothy said...

See? This IS what I was talking about - and I love that I have you in my life to point me out of the hear-and-now fear.

Modern Day Hermit said...

Phew, ok, I just like to verify sometimes because my ability to sound like an ass without trying is one of my top skills. :)

Diana said...

You know, I'm guessing that Arun will be just fine (most of the minutes of the day) because you will be just fine (most of the minutes of the day). You strike me as a wonderful, inclusive person. I'm guessing that instead of setting up a 'him vs her' situation, you'll rise to the occasion and find all sorts of ways for Arun to feel the indispensable big brother. I think a lot of sibling rivalry is what we parents create. You, my dear, will shine.

Rozanne said...

Lovely post. Don't underestimate the value of perspective--it's a great thing to have.

And if you do have to move to the West Coast, remember that the Pacific Northwest is a good place for people who aren't overly fond of the Sun.

Lisa said...

I admire you. I would be freaking out about alot of that stuff.

Can't wait to hear all about what's in store for you all. Sounds like the start of an amazing adventure.

Anjali said...

Ok, I'm now able to comment...

I'm fearful of perspective. Now where does that put me?

Heza Hekele said...

Happy Thought: She'll come out and already have need for hair clips and bows, as apposed to needing a hair cut!

Blondie said...

So lovely. And I too am happy that you are in Dorothy's life to help her through any rough moments--and therefore in my life as well. :)

Tuesday said...

Perspective is so very important, you are right. Sometimes very hard to remember though.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Anonymous said...

Wow -- excellent post! It's good to see people with a bright outlook! It's good for the soul!

Me said...

I love this post, and I love your perspective. Thank you for having such a good ability to step back - a model for us all.