February 27, 2006

How Naked can I get?

The primary reason why I write under a pseudonym is to prevent easy Google Juice under my real identity. While many of my real life friends read this blog, I wasn’t comfortable with my entire family reading it and certainly not some of the Relationships Past I have experienced. At last year’s BlogHer , there was a session on “Getting Naked” regarding how much one reveals about oneself in a blog. At the time, I realized I was censoring myself quite a bit and after the conference, I decided to try to let go of the filter a bit more. And I liked it. REALLY liked it. It was very freeing to grind my heels on those rose-colored glasses and it followed my unofficial blogging motto of "Blogging is virtually free, therapy is not." It is exhilarating to “live” in a space where I don’t have to pretend that everything is “Gee, Golly, GREAT!” and that I don’t have to wear my mask at the masquerade ball that is my mother's family's dysfunctional communication issues. For me, it is healthier to call a spade a fucking spade, and then poke some fun at it. I come by it honestly, my dad has been making fun of ALL OF US (including himself!) my entire life. Furthermore, I LOVE my family - if I didn’t, I would have waved bye-bye in the rearview mirror a long time ago. But still, I get tired of the small deceptions.

Lately, I have started to squirm a bit on this decision to write more openly. The main issue is my mother. She has no sense of self-deprecation and is very thin-skinned. I make equal fun of my father in this blog and would have no issues giving him the URL - I did get my nasty sense of humor from him, after all. However, my mother is the very woman who LEFT MY HOUSE CRYING because Arun wouldn’t take a bottle from her. Yes, Arun - the breast-fed baby who doesn’t like bottles from ANYONE and only when faced with starvation will take one from a patient caregiver - namely, Cousin J. So, my mother is a tad sensitive and it was an issue even when I was a child. I often heard the line “You’re so cynical! Just like your dad!” which believe you me wasn’t much of a compliment once they got divorced. If my mother ever found out about this blog, I can’t even imagine the tears and the rending of garments that would commence. So, on one hand, I am very afraid that she would discover this blog and on the other hand, I am resentful that I even HAVE to consider it. Yes, it could be argued that some of what I have written about are really HER battles, not mine, but I would shoot back that HER battles shaped ME. Furthermore, if it hadn't been such a god-damned "secret" all these years, maybe she could have gotten help years ago, before it was too late. Instead, everyone just wants to whisper behind her back how "sad it is" and how "worried they are" - yet when I did try an intervention with her, everyone backed down and declared there was no problem. Wait. Did I just vent? Sorry. Moving on.............

So, why has this come up, now? Several reasons. I have had discussions with other bloggers who have been discovered and the results weren't pretty. Also, there are some opportunities coming up that may make it more known that I do have a blog. Finally, I am going to BlogHer again and some of my family are now curious why I am going to San Jose AGAIN. I also need to take Arun with me, which necessitates taking a caregiver, too. It might be Cousin J, or it might be one of my sisters. They can be trusted to keep a secret, but it means the reading circle has been widened.

I haven’t made the decision yet whether I am going to do a “deep-clean” of this blog and take out everything that could be offensive. I guess if you notice later this post itself is missing, you will know what I ended up doing.

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