August 6, 2007

Have you met Susan?

Dear Kansas City,
Be on the lookout for a woman named "Susan". This woman is a wily one. You both will meet in your hospital's breastfeeding support group and she will be all smiles. Before you know it, you are neck deep in a friendship with her. You will find yourself going to parks with her, going to library rhyme time her and even inviting her to your son's 1st birthday party. You will find yourself singing seemingly innocent children's songs with her. But beware. It's a trick. Before you know it, you will be giving birth to your 2nd child and this is where your mid-western version of Amityville Horror begins.

You see, Susan lies in wait so that she can strike in your darkest hour.

She will come to your house bearing gifts all in the guise of coming to see your newest born progeny. She will bring you Soothies to help you with breastfeeding. She will bring a thoughtful gift for your son. But this is where it ends. Because, she will also come bearing Choxie chocolate covered pistachios. A delightful, salty pistachio smothered in dark chocolate. Something akin to crack, but there is no Promises-style rehab for this habit lurking in the dark cloak of sugar. And that, my friend, will be your downfall. Before your new child is 4 weeks old, you will have hobbled back to Target no less than FOUR times to purchase more of your beloved chocolate covered pistachios. You will bravely tell your diabetic husband "No worries! I'll make the Target run! These stitches will hold true!" in the hopes that he won't discover your dirty little dark chocolate secret.

And the worst? The most heartbreaking? Susan's victims have no boundaries. Even your 21 month son will discover all your hiding places as he desperately scouts around your kitchen while feverishly pointing and declaring with wild gemstone eyes "Da more! Da more! Da MOOORE!".

And finally. Most importantly........Beware of her partner in crime. She is a 22 month old pixie known by the name of "Aubrey". She is adorable, yet lethal because her mother has trained her well. She will worm her way into your heart faster than you can say "flakey truffles".

You've been duly warned, Kansas City. There is evil lurking in our midst and her name is SUSAN. Forget the rest, save yourselves........

5 comments:

Mamma Sarah said...

You crack me up!!!

Rozanne said...

Wow! She really bided her time before showing her true colors. Is she under contract with Choxies/Target, do you think?

Lisa said...

Ahhhahahaha. Can Susan come live in my hood?

Wordnerd said...

Tell you what. You just send Susan my way. She'll be out of your life and you can try to move forward. Tell her to bring the adorable 22-month-old as well. I can handle 'em. (She should also bring her stash, so we can, you know, destroy it...)

Diana said...

See, I'm now wondering if you aren't the more evil of the two. Sure, Wicked Susan turned you on to the crack but you are the one who introduces it to us, your innocent readers, who are now aware that Target holds yet another treasure and that we are heading into this den of inequity in a day or two.

Fie on you.

At least it's beneficial dark chocolate and the nuts are good for you, too. Hm. You know, you could easily spin this as a health food, especially for nursing mothers.