Have a Cigar

Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here 1975

Recently, I received my copy of Let's Panic, a new book release by Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy.

For the FCC Lawyer's Personal Pleasure:  I paid for my copy, I was not sent a review copy (skinflints!)   Furthermore, I am not Alice nor Eden's friend (hardly!) So, I was left with the teeming masses and thus forced to fork over my credit card information on Amazon (the nerve!)

The full title, a librarian's version of hellfire, should give you an inkling as the tone of this book:

Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, ... Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being

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This book is not for the faint of heart.  This is the book your mother warned you about.  This is the book you would not want to meet in a dark alley.

Short version?

I loved it.

Long version?

Yes, it is an irreverent, sardonic take on motherhood.  There is a reason it is shelved in the "humor" category and not in the "taking care of your preshus snowflake" category.  Um, yeah.  Perhaps, it is not something to take to a baby shower but it is certainly something for passing along to a comrade-in-arms at your next Mommy's Day Out Playdate or maybe slipping to a friend at your next bookclub meeting (Shhhh!  Alice and Eden have been adamant about not sharing and everyone just buying their own damned copies already.  What in the hell do Alice and Eden think they are?  A Kindle?)

Anyway!

If you want to present a new mother with something useful besides yet another carton of diapers, perhaps you should consider the gift of Laughter and A Break From Reality.  I can definitely recommend presenting a friend or a loved one a light-hearted, albeit slightly twisted take related to parenting.  Adding a copy of James Lileks' Mommy Knows Worst: Highlights from the Golden Age of Bad Parenting Advice  and Sloane Tanen's Hatched!: The Big Push From Pregnancy to Motherhood would help set the tone and round out your gift bundle.

EXCERPTS

To give you a taste, here are some of My Favorite Excerpts.  These made me laugh out loud and left my husband wondering what the hell I was reading.  But really, what else can you expect from a book with chapters such as "One Way Or Another, It Will Come Out of You" and "Fucking Hell, It's a Baby" followed by "How to Take Care of It" and "Back to Work, or Do You Love Your Baby?"

In the their "Baby-Safe Alternatives to Common Recreational Drugs", Alice and Eden offer this as an alternative to "Glue or Other Solvents":

Bend over and try to wedge your head between your knees. Stand up quickly! Now fall back against a dirty beanbag chair and groove to the pleasant buzzing and tunnel vision.

For a Speedball, they offer this handy tip:

Drink an espresso and eat chocolate cake at the same time.  Wake up in an unfamiliar hotel room.

In their "Tips for the First Month" they provide these sage pearls of wisdom:

WHAT TO AVOID
Lead based paint: ........If you think there's even the slightest change of lead being anywhere near you, it's your responsibility to get rid of it.  Purchase a power sander and get to work!  Just release all that lead into the air and let it drift back down and settle into the earth where it belongs.  There's no need to interrupt this beautiful, natural process.

Eye contact with cats: Cats will suck the burgeoning life right out of you, using their infamous feline mind-powers.  Avert your eyes and move along.

Endless night-trolling for anonymous sex down by the docks:   Let's face it.  There's nothing like the illicit thrill of being taken from behind by a mustachioed stranger, but the time for that frivolity has passed.  You're not getting any younger and besides, all that cruising is what got you into this mess in the first place.