July 17, 2009

Waste not, want not.

I have been wanting to write this post for awhile now, but was waiting.......waiting..... waiting...... to be absolutely sure it was not a fluke.

For the past few months, I have finally felt like my old self. I get up early every morning now, way before everyone else, even X. I now look forward to starting my day, enjoying the quiet moments that each morning brings. I am reading voraciously again, knitting new projects, going to the gym regularly, and relishing my children so much that I want time to stand still. Seriously, Father Time, sit your ass down for a bit.

Life is good. And it was not good for a such a long time, that I can scarcely believe it now.

I have not talked much about my post-partum depression. A mention here and there, but I am not that sort of blogger and Rancid Raves is not a really a space for those mental meanderings anyway. There are other writers doing a stellar job with the subject and I had nothing new to add to the topic.

Furthermore, X did not want me to talk too much about the PPD and I respected his wish for privacy. If nothing else, I have learned these past 18 months that PPD affects an entire family, not just a single person. It is not just a problem for mothers. And I am now appreciative that X requested that filter. I am also grateful that I had the grand fortune of marrying someone who is solid, capable and utterly forgiving.

These past 18 months I have said and thought horrible, dark, ugly, wrenching words. Twisted logic that only made sense to me at the time. And at times, I felt dishonest as a blogger. That perhaps, I should be sharing my experience for the greater good. Then, I realized there was no good whatsoever to be had from my experience and I am glad I kept the majority of my experience within my own little family.

Of course, there was some good.


Obviously, it was worth it.

Now that the thick, foggy haze of PPD has cleared, I can see my life again.

And I like it.

11 comments:

Olivia said...

I'm happy you are feeling better.

Anjali said...

Me, too!

jodifur said...

I'm sorry you went through that but i'm glad you are better.

Moderndayhermit said...

It makes me smile that you feeling like your true self again.:)

stephanie said...

I'm happy you are feeling better! As someone whose dealt with depression of various degrees for several years, I think sometimes having to force yourself to put on a happy face, as you did here, can actually help. Maybe that's just me though.

Is this the first post without a question for a title?!

Cagey said...

All,
This post was supposed to be more celebratory in tone. Obviously, I need to work on my writing skillz.

Rozanne said...

Glad you are happy again!

Super cute photo of the kiddos, too!!!

Gori Girl said...

I think it was that you started high, went low, and then only had a quick burst of high at the end - although that's quite the cute picture. :-D

Anyways, glad things are back on track and life is good. Enjoy your puppy, your kids, your husband and the lovely summer we're having!

LuAnn said...

Thanks for sharing. It's so much better to be happy than the alternative.

mbsings said...

So glad that you are feeling better. No one talks about PPD which makes it that much more difficult for those of us who deal with it. Admitting it and being able to talk about it is a huge step. Keep up with your happy dance.

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