May 13, 2009

Truthfully?

I am not doing well. And while I call this my Happy Place and all that dreamy jazz, I have really been faking it lately.

A patent fury bubbles beneath my mental surface and I struggle to find the Good. I want to rant, not rave these days. And then, I find myself resisting the urge to issue diatribes over such mundane topics as folks in my neighborhood who do not recycle.

I am not a topical nor an entertainment blogger. This place is primarily a diary of sorts where I am my very own Audience of One. And I would be remiss to not at least reference this particularly difficult time for me. Besides, the pretense otherwise is wearing on me. I am bored with writing post after post after post in a gauzy, soft-focus perspective.

And yes, I am totally pulling the Dramatic Card. We are healthy, the children are fine, X's business is doing well. Everything is fine, just fine.

But still. I never want to forget this particular period of time. The anger at my friend's cancer, the disgust at family members rabidly picking through my great-aunt's possessions, the weariness of trudging through yet another day.

I need to remember it.

Continue as you were and ignore the dithering idiot.

11 comments:

zoot said...

I think it's going around. I know exactly how you feel, just that general...BLECH feeling. I keep myself as distracted as I can about it, but in the quiet moments, it sneaks out.

Just know you're not alone. Hang in there. I'm here if you need any more rant time.

Michaela said...

hey cagey, im a long time reader but have never commented before..( and by the way your daughter is looking huge! and beautiful!)
just wanted to say, hang in there, and those feelings are valid and important and need not be pushed to the side. anger and frustration can pave the way to positive change sometimes.
take care and be nice to yourself
kyla x

caro said...

Call me a curmudgeon, but I'd rather read angry and ranty if that's what you're feeling than false or forced happy words. I believe that, especially among women, being honest about unhappiness is an act of generosity and bravery. It breaks the rules, and in a useful way. So, if you ask me (I realize you didn't), rant away! (I hope things look up for you soon, though.)

Naomi said...

I think I found you through IndianTies?

I am glad you ranted. I'm glad you shared. I'm glad that you verbalized the drama and topsy-turviness you're feeling, even if no one wants to acknowledge it as a big deal.

We do need to do a better job of remembering all of the moments on our journey - even if some of them aren't pretty and fun to read about.

Be nice to yourself - I echo that sentiment!

Gori Girl said...

I'll echo the others - rants have their place, too.

Gori Girl said...

I'll echo the others - rants have their place, too.

altemosemc said...

I agree with the others- I would rather read a rant than a fake happy post. It shows that you are being real, and experiencing life the way we all do. And when you emerge and share it with us, it gives others hope that the sun does shine again.

jodifur said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. This is your blog, your space, and you should comfortable to write how you feel.

Mojavi said...

hey... hugs..

this summer will be good! we will be getting out and about and the sunshine will be good for you...

uuhhhhh drugs never hurt either LOL...

love you

meno said...

Rant on honey! It makes you human.

Brit said...

it's important to know our friends aren't always sunshiny and rainbows, sometimes the blogworld feels all sunshiny and rainbows and sometimes it feels all doom and gloom. Just like everything else. Yes everyone is healthy and you are all fine, and sometimes there is this amazing guilt that goes along with just that.

This is a real place and you can say you are hurt and angry and disgusted and also that you are grateful and happy. Life is not easy and we aren't all happy or sad. Sometimes we are happy and sad and totally perplexed.

I know its not just me....