August 23, 2010

Screaming in tongues.

This site is my Happy Place, the spot where I throw glittered confetti as I squee over my kids and this sweet life I have happened upon.  However, in this quest of keeping it light, I feel like such a fraud.  In reality, I am quite impatient and quick to anger - anyone who hangs out with me in Real Life on a consistent basis knows this.  Yes, I do think there is value in keeping things light around here on Rancid Raves - I want to remember the good stuff, not the fact that I often nag my kids and sometimes, sometimes, unleash my inner posessed soul that Screams in Tongues (or speaks in the Voice of Zuul, as my friend Jenny calls it)

Last week was one of Those Weeks.  Every morning, I would wake up and declare a Fresh Start, determined to keep my impatience and crabbiness on high alert.  By afternoon, I would fail.  Miserably.

How do the kids react?  Well, it depends.  If they have actually done something wrong (say, for purposes of illustration, they have marked every door in our house with a bright! red! X! as if it were Passover (my special punishment for taking a shower?)), then the kids get their act together quickly.  But the worst is when they have not really done anything wrong and I am just irritated.  When I scream, they look away and ignore me because they know I am just plain crazy and that ignoring me is the most efficient escape route.  As if to say, "Lady, you are insane and we know better than to engage."

I know that venting my anger is not healthy and actually serves little purpose.   I want to be one of those perfect moms I keep reading about - the ones who do not get irritated when her kids are just being kids.  The ones who have it all figured out.  The ones with endless stores of composure.  Dammit, I want all of the answers, too.

Anjali and Arun deserve it.

Do not fret, Team Chaos.  Someday, mama will have it all figured out.


zoot said...

I placate myself during THOSE WEEKS by saying that the effort and desire to constantly be a better Mom, even when I'm failing miserable, is still a great example to our kids. Because they probably wont be perfect either, so at least they'll grow up knowing what "Trying to be better..." looks like.

I hope this thought helps you too!


Melanie said...

Drew started all day kindergarten on Monday and I was so bummed, and Allie was so clingy (missing her buddy) and a load of laundry took FOREVER thanks to the 2 yr old "helping" and when my boy came home, he was so crazy (I guess after being little mr. perfect at school all day he had to let the wiggles out at home)... I felt like he had lost his ever loving mind (I am still mad that kindergarteners only get ONE short recess a day--but that is another topic).......... anyone in my mind I knew he and Allie were both going through a pretty big transaction, but I swear, I nearly lost my mind each and every day...and I HATE that

kristen said...

Timely post. I royal stunk at parenting yesterday. I wish I was a parenting book author since they obviously have it all figured out.

~ifer @ The Mind of ~Ifer said...

NOBODY has it all figured out, parents or otherwise. Life is a constant game of trying to figure it out, trying to be a better person... becoming.

Hang in there, take deep breaths, and take heart in the fact that you are not alone

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

THANK YOU. For serious.

Melanie said...

oops just saw my typo, my kids are going through transition not transaction LOL

Anonymous said...

Do those mom's actually exist or is it a myth we are fed? This is my happy place as well. I reflect about the things we did during the day, and plan for tomorrow, which doesn't always go according to plan, and I try so hard, to breath and let that be, but there are inevitably the days and maybe weeks of grumpypant, of anger, because why ? whyyyy? can't I just sit quietly with NO ONE TALKING TO ME. and then of course the guilt for saying it outloud. I cherish my children, but I cherish myself as well and I have to keep it real, there i anger and sarcasm in my world and to pretend that there is not is to deny my children the freedom to express themselves. I prefer the express them selves on their beds until they have gotten under control, but they have the right to be angry and they also need to learn that I have the right to be angry and sometimes I will be. It's how I handle myself and the anger that is important.

naturally this is all hypothetical and we live in a rainbow colored bus of love.....

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

Cagey, I've told you before that I come from a scream-ey family. My parents acknowledge that they're a bit...errr, loud-voiced. They're screamers because they're very uncomfortable with spanking.

I understand that you want to work on maintaining your composure for your own blood pressure/mental state and happiness. And I am not downplaying that goal at all-it's something *everyone* in my family is working on (fruits don't fall far from the treet, by the way).

But your kids are going to focus on what a loving parent you are, and that giving them a happy childhood. I promise.


my parents were yell-ish, so am I kinda, and I still love and adore them and had the best childhood ever, because it's about the bigger picture, not one bad week (of which we've had many, especially during adolescence)

D. said...

Couldn't have said it better myself. I had one of those days yesterday, and I KNEW I was acting ridiculously, but the whole thing ended with both SG and I sobbing, and me feeling like the most wretched mother on the planet. Please, when you discover the secret to keeping your shit together, pass it along, because I'm failing by leaps and bounds here.

Hugs to you in the meantime.

Anjali said...

We had a nonstop summer of sibling bickering and mommy losing it. Yuck.

School started back today. Bring back the serenity!

Semele Heller said...

Thank you so much for writing this. It's hugely comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles to be the patient, steady mom my kids deserve, rather than the crazy woman they appear to be stuck with. (OK, so I already knew it, but it's nice to have it confirmed once again).

aibee said...

After reading MY story here on YOUR blog, I feel a lot better about being THAT mother.

Not in an "oh, she raises her voice too so it must be okay" kind of way, more of an "oh, wait, maybe I'm HUMAN too" realisation.

I've got to work on THAT probably more than I need to work on the actually being vulnerable to outside influences like a child who, as much as I love him, can drive me nucking futs at times.

Monkey? I love your reply and am reassured by it immeasurably. I was raised in a family where it was, one strike, you're out! so whenever I'm not the perfect mother (ie ALWAYS) I feel sick that this is the time he'll a) stop loving me and b) be scarred for life. Oy.

Bethany said...

That could be me. Things have been somewhat stressful here lately and I have locked myself in my room a few times just so I wouldn't lose my shit all over the kids.

Love Monkey's response. I'm going to read it again.

Moderndayhermit said...

You know, I'm the same way and I DON'T feel bad about it. I feel like we are forced fed this June-fucking-cleaver image of "perfection" that simply doesn't exist. We are all human, we all have our *thing* that we're striving to correct and it's just a part of life.

My Mom is/was a yeller, I'm a yeller and well ... that's just part of my fucking charm, lol. The good far outweighs the good for me AND for you.

If the weather is always perfect you never appreciate it. Give their little asses something to appreciate - YOUR GOOD MOOD and let them learn how to navigate it appropriately, lol.

MommyWizdom said...

Check out Letting Go of Anger by Annie Chapman. I'm reading it now after spending too much time yelling at my kids. It's surprising how many women are so angry - sad actually, too. Good luck! And don't get mad at this comment. *snicker snicker*

lorib said...

I'm with Brit. I think everyone loses it at least once in a while. For some of us, maybe a little more often. I do enjoy coming here to read about your sunshine and roses days!