What's up, Doc?

I am having another one of those days where I am capable of stringing meaningful sentences together, but am having trouble doing so with paragraphs. I can’t even come up with titles.

#1
I’ll confess that I want a dog so badly that when I’m at PetSmart, I wistfully peruse the dog toy section. During my latest trip, as I scanned the holiday sale section, I came across a stuffed MENORAH. Since I am not Jewish, I ask you gentle readers - is it really appropriate to give a dog a stuffed version of something as sacred as that for his chewing pleasure?

#2
I’m all for breastfeeding. Really. It's easy, cheap, relaxing and I am hoping to nurse Arun until he is a year old. However, recently I read the most idiotic thing ever purporting to be a “little known benefit” for it. The text read like this:

”Unlike the stinky stools of a formula-fed baby, the stools of a breastfed infant have a less offensive buttermilk-like odor. Changing the diaper of a breastfed infant is not an unpleasant task--which is fortunate, because most breastfed babies have several bowel movements a day. When the baby looks at the face of the diaper-changing caregiver and sees happiness rather than disgust, he picks up a good message about himself - perhaps a perk for building self-esteem.”

What the fuck? Have YOU taken a a good, long whiff of buttermilk lately? Furthermore, is wiping my kid's ass with a goofy grin on my face REALLY going to give him a healthy self-esteem?? I'd say it would be more likely to give him good excuses for therapy or at least a shot on Oprah's couch. All I have to say to the writer is this: PASS THE PEACE PIPE, DUDE.

#3
Speaking of breastfeeding, I met Normal Olathe Grandma for lunch the other day at Applebee’s (don’t mock - I had to steer her AWAY from Bob Evans). Anyway, I warned her that Arun would probably get hungry and she said “Oh, you can feed him in the restroom, right?”. I looked her square in the eye and laughed, “Would YOU want to eat YOUR lunch while sitting on a toilet?” She immediately realized how utterly disgusting her suggestion was and agreed that YES, eating in a bathroom is GROSS. This is why I love NOG so much - she will back down when she realizes she is dead wrong.

#4
GOOD GOD - help my friends and family and in particular, MY SON. I finally figured out how to get the footage from the digital camcorder to my COMPUTER. I have footage on there since before Arun was even born. I am quickly realizing that I might have missed my calling as a member of the golden paparazzi. With my cheesy, obnoxious commentary, I have this amazing propensity to goad my subjects into getting pissed and walking away from the camara.

#5
Recently, I just picked up an entire DVD chock full of old footage from all those Super 8 and Max 8 films of my own youth - I had taken over 40 films to be converted. I have discovered that while endless footage of the NEIGHBOR kids playing in my baby pool is NOT so interesting, repeated footage of my hippie, John Lennon-esque dad sticking his finger up his nose IS. There was a good 10 years worth of that action recorded for prosperity!

#6
Not So Great Clips - Um, let me be clear that the pics of Arun’s haircut were supposed to showcase what a CRAPPY job I had done - all the complimentary comments were nice, but I felt that I had gravely mislead my blogging public. However, I will admit that I like the shortness of the hair, if not the style. It SO much easier to wash and comb, something I am required to do frequently as cradle cap is the sworn enemy of babies with DARK hair. Even though I did a crappy job the first time, I can foresee much more shearing practice in my future. I am still hoping to perfect my barber skills before the kid realizes what sort of scam I have been pulling on him and is able to vocally express his "concerns".

#7
Well, I made my reservation for BlogHer 2006 ! I am SO excited - I attended last year’s conference and it was an incredible and inspiring experience. I still haven’t figured out who will do Monkey Duty while I am there, but I have a wide range of choices - X, my mom, 2 sisters and maybe even Cousin J. It’s tricky because I won’t want to leave the little guy back home since I am nursing, but luckily I should be able to bribe SOMEONE to come with me. It’s amazing what the lure of a free plane ride to the San Francisco area can do for you.

#8
Well, it’s that time of year when my husband miraculously becomes a tax accountant. He is already “predicting” what we will owe and beginning to pester me about starting our return. Damn you, TurboTax, for your stupid little “calculator” that shows what I owe in the corner of the screen. As I pound out numbers for our return, X loves to shoulder surf and watch the numbers go up and down - making comments the entire time. Every year, I promise myself that I am going to just dump the whole sheaf of papers in Someone Else's lap, but I always back down because I can’t bear the thought of that very Someone Else touching my taxes.

#9
I just booked my ticket to for my trip to DC/VA in a few weeks. I am flying into DC, but will schlep the monkey and I to Fairfax where X’s apartment is located. I had hoped to fly into Dulles instead of DC because I am more familiar with that area, but who knows? Maybe my driving around DC will make for an interesting post for a change. Anyway, I am very excited. I haven’t traveled anywhere since July, so I was getting antsy to get going again. I will have a day to myself while X is working, so for this trip, I am thinking that I will focus on “house tours”. Since I am only taking the Baby Bjorn with me I’d rather do things that aren’t stroller friendly anyway. I’ve always wanted to see Mt. Vernon and Monticello - plus, I will try to find something that is less touristy. If it’s nicer weather, I would definitely like to visit Teddy Roosevelt’s memorial - my very favorite of all the memorials.

#10
On Saturday, I am hosting a dinner for some of X’s business associates/clients. Oddly enough, of all the social venues I have hosted the past few months, this is the least stressful of them all. Why? Because I get to cook Indian food! Having to deal with American food or appetizers is actually very difficult for me - I feel much more comfortable making huge pots of curry and saying “Come and get it!” The last party I hosted was such a disappointment to me - I didn’t feel very good about the event because 1) I didn’t make the food myself and 2) I spent much of the evening in the kitchen carefully staging food so that items didn’t get cold. Anyway, on Saturday, I am making a variety of things - some traditional north Indian things such as tandoori chicken, dhal, and chickpeas but I am also throwing in some Keralite specialties like green bean thoren and fish with red curry.

And finally - a Rancid Rant regarding baby clothes.....
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH BABY SIZES???? My kid is just barely 3 months, just under 15 lbs and is ALREADY gunning for the 6-9 month size. I wasn't aware that I had given birth to Andre the Giant, but SCREW YOU Carter's, Gymboree, and Baby Gap - apparently you think I did. I carefully scoured clearance racks to try and save money on baby clothes THEN kept receiving thoughtful gift after thoughtful gift from loving friends and family. Now, my kid has a closet full of clothes that he is quickly outgrowing. Every week or so, I carefully measure clothes up to his ever lengthening body to just try and keep up with the madness. I have already enountered several outfits that he outgrew before I could even get to them. Why? WHY?