April 21, 2005

Where’s the martini in maternity?

I have never been much into weddings. I was scarred at the tender age of 19 when my “very best friend forever and ever” asked me to be her Maid of Honor. Giddy with girlish excitement, I breathlessly said yes – still innocent to the horrors that lay ahead. The next year was a telling exercise in all the levels of Dante’s hell as I listened to the endless minutia of the “perfect” shades of green and peach, the different patterns of lace she could choose from for her cake frostings, cathedral vs. fingertip veils, dark chocolate vs. milk chocolate for the hand-dipped strawberries, choices of linen paper for her invitations, etc. The list goes on, but as I’ve already bored myself enough, I shall spare you, dear reader. Furthermore, as of this posting, I have not seen the bride since her marriage burned in a blaze of glory 10 years and 3 kids later when she met her “true love” in an AOL chat room (that union has since "logged off" as well). (DRESS: Kelly Green with off-the shoulder sleeves and a specially (read: expensively) altered A-hemline. Hair was complete with handmade barrettes sporting ribbon and beads that matched the dress.)

I was then asked to be a bridesmaid for another wedding. While that wedding was low key, it bit the dust a scant year later. I barely remember the wedding much less the marriage. (DRESS COLOR: Dusty Peach with puffy sleeves)

I was then asked to be the Maid of Honor in a 3rd wedding. Since the wedding was to be out-of-town where the bride was living at the time, I was spared the excruciating details of matching napkins, BUT this added new stressors with airline tickets, hotel reservations, car rentals, etc. In addition, I have family members that live in the same town and I had to coordinate familial duties with my bridesmaid's duties. In fact, I went to that wedding a week ahead of time specifically to take care of family business and it was still pretty stressful running back and forth between west Las Vegas and Henderson. While that marriage is still going strong, I did suffer a dog bite, a rental car wreck and many tears in the process of the Wedding Week. (DRESS COLOR: Black with an empire waist. For the non-fashionistas out there, empire waists look good on NOBODY.)

By the time I got to my own wedding, I was so over the whole process of wedding planning that I could barely muster any interest in putting together my own shindig. In fact, I ran away and did a destination wedding. I was to be married on a June day and during the previous December once I had the Catholic priest and reception site booked, I sat back and didn’t give it much more thought. In my defense, I worked for H&R Block at the time in software development so I was more than just a little busy that spring. When tax day swung around and the mayhem died down, I decided on April 17th that I should buy a dress. I went to 2 different stores, tried on a few dresses and basically picked the least offensive that didn’t cost too much. Yes, it was a pretty dress, but it wasn’t my dream dress. However, I certainly didn’t care enough to go on a nationwide hunt and I loathe clothes shopping anyway. I was only going to wear it for half a day! For my Maid of Honor, I had her pick out her own dress on her own without me even there – she chose a cute red number that she has actually worn several times since. For the reception, I called the place and told them the choice of entrees I wanted. I ordered a white wedding cake and told the bakery to “surprise me”. We did no tastings. For the flowers, I called the florist and told her to send over some flowers. I think I specified a color, but I had no idea what the flowers would look like. So, you see, I had little inclination to do much in the way of wedding planning.

I was recently asked to be in a 4th wedding – as a bridesmaid. The great irony is that while this is turning out to be the easiest wedding yet, I will be 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The bride (my own Maid of Honor) is even letting us pick out our own dresses in the hopes that we end up with a “little black dress” that we can wear again.

But alas, the words “maternity” and “cocktail” are about as ill-suited as “Ashton” and “Demi”.

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