How Thankful Am I?

Very.

Thanksgiving was really nice - as much as I like to gripe about my family, in truth, they are your typical family. Pleasantly dysfunctional to a level that you can poke gentle fun (Note: I am discussing my DAD'S family. My Mom's family? A different story). Anyway - let’s face it - ALL families have their issues. No one is perfect, but you can often hide things from the general public - not quite so easy to do with relatives. So, I’ll go as far as to say that I did enjoy sharing the little monkey with the family on Thanksgiving. He was the hit of the party and I even scored a babysitter! Yep - even though I quit work to stay home full-time, I am already getting a babysitter. I was very conflicted about this, but X was the one who insisted I get somebody. He is traveling so much, it actually eases his guilt somewhat. It’s a pretty sweet gig - my dad’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter (got that??) is in high school, has her own car, and lives just mere blocks from me. I casually mentioned that I was looking for a babysitter in her presence (yes, I WAS hinting) and she eagerly raised her hand. She is coming 3 days a week for just 2 hours - which is perfect! It gives me just enough time to get in a good workout at the gym AND even enough time to run a quick errand like a trip to the grocery store, etc. It’s a good gig for HER, because she has some steady money now, is in a safe environment where her own mother doesn’t have to worry about her and gets her homework done. Of course there is the added benefit that I am leaving my precious monkey with an actual family member, as opposed to just any old teenager. Since I was able to sneak in an early visit to my doctor last week, I got sign off for exercise and I was pretty anxious to get on it. So, although I feel very spoiled, I was able to quickly quell those feelings after our first session on Monday. Being able to go the gym and get in a good heart-pumping workout made all the difference.

I can't believe Chimp Boy is SIX WEEKS old. It's amazing to me how the time has flown. He is outgrowing clothes left and right, he's SMILING now and is even starting to coo. I think the most shocking part of motherhood so far is how much I am loving it. Of course, I thought I would enjoy it or I wouldn't have bothered with it, right? However, I just didn't know HOW MUCH I would have fun with it. Even after the hardest nights, I still get up every morning ready to start the day.

Of course, now that he is smiling, it makes it all the easier - wouldn't you say?

Fit to be a Mother? Or Just Fit to be Tied?

As promised - the Assvice Post. I have gotten unsolicited advice from a wide range of people - grandmas, great-aunts, my cleaning lady and even strangers in the streets - in stores such as Lowe’s*. This post was not nearly as fun to write and did not make for the funny material I had hoped it would. Actually, some of these just plain pissed me off. Therefore, this is more of a Rancid Rant than a Rancid Rave. Ah well......

“Give Him Rice Cereal and He’ll Sleep Through the Night!”
This old wive’s tale was offered when I hadn’t even complained about sleep deprivation, thus making it the most truant of all the Assvice I have received. I am not giving a tiny baby SOLIDS. I don’t care if it that was the thing du jour in the 70s or not. After all, back then it was also okay to drink and smoke indiscriminately while pregnant.

“If You Keep Holding That Baby, You’re Going to Spoil Him Rotten!”
The stupidity of this little gem is mind-boggling. Um, yeah, SURE - snuggling my little monkey and giving him love and kisses is going to make him rotten. HUH?

”Don’t Wake that Baby Up! Let Him Sleep Through the Night if He Wants!”
This treasure was given after I mentioned that I had to set my alarm so I could wake up to feed the baby. What was most infuriating about this obnoxious comment is that my baby was fucking JAUNDICED. Guess what? Jaundiced babies are listless and just want to sleep. Furthermore, the way to get rid of the jaundice is to FEED HIM so he can POOP the bad stuff OUT. Letting him sleep through the night would just make him even MORE jaundiced. Believe me, a new mommy with a yellow baby does NOT need to hear this shit.

"Don't Let that Baby Sleep with You (Insert Random Horriffic Event) )!"
I am not necessarily an advocate of Attachment Parenting or even co-sleeping. However, for now, having the kid sleep with us WORKS. He sleeps and more importantly, I sleep. My doctor was the one to point out that the U.S. and the Western World in general is the minority on the practice of separate beds. Anyway, since I don't plan on sleeping with my child while drunk or obese, he will be just fine. Besides, X himself was a co-sleeper and he came out fairly unharmed.

“That Baby Needs Socks on His Feet!”
Yes, he does. I guess sweating through a onesie AND a blanket which resulted in a heat rash means he is fucking COLD.

“Don’t Get Wind in the Baby’s Ears!”
What gets me on this one is that no dire consequence is offered. Indeed, what WILL happen if the baby does get wind in his ears?

"You Don't Need to Be Running Around with that Baby so Much!"
My being cooped up in a house with "that baby" for days on end can lead to no good. My guess it that we would end up having like our own little game of "Survivor" . Outwit? Outplay? Outlast? My money is on the kid.

”Keep that Baby out of the Wind or He’ll Get a Bellyache!”
This goody is so fucking stupid that I couldn’t even think of a sarcastic comment for it.

“Keep that Baby Inside!”
Yes, particularly since we know that fresh air and sunshine KILLS.

"You Don't Need to be Taking That Baby to (Insert Hip Urban Kansas City Location of your Choosing)! It's dangerous!"
Considering that someone DIED in my cushy suburban Target parking lot this past summer, I am willing to gamble a bit by going to the "shadier" places in Kansas City.

“Better Keep those Cats Away From that Baby”
Frankly, the cats are more concerned with where their next meal is coming from and ensuring that I am available 24/7 in my capacity as Doorman to the Felines. They could care less about the baby at this point. Of course, this indifference will fade as soon as the Monkey discovers the irresistable lure of a fluffy tail, but it’s not like the cats are going to try and exact some sort of revenge.

”Don’t Eat Spicy Food or the Baby Will Get Sick”
I’ll admit that as I hungrily wolfed down Thai food the very first day back home from the hospital, I saw a brief question mark hovering over that styrofoam takeout container . However, I quickly brought myself back to reality as I pondered, “What the fuck do women eat in Thailand?”.

“Don’t Let Anyone Hold Him at Thanksgiving Dinner or He’ll Get Sick!”
While I am not exactly a proponent of picking up dead birds and rubbing them in the Monkey’s face, a germ here or there at the hands of a loving relative is NOT going to hurt the kid.

“Don’t Swaddle That Baby Too Tight! (AKA,"Oh, Poor Baby - Your Mama is Squeezing You Too Tight!” )
Yes, I guess the kid is NOT BREATHING as opposed to merely sleeping peacefully.


*In another losing bout with Irony, I was the one to take my son to Lowe’s for the first time. In fact, I will be the ONLY one to ever take our son to Lowe’s, given the fact that all the freakin’ tools in the garage are MINE ALL MINE.

What am I doing?

Running around with my head cut off. I need to be in Lawrence for a Christmas Tree Festival by 1:00 pm. I still need to pump, take a shower, get dressed, get the kid dressed, and eat lunch all while fervently praying the kid cooperates in this mayhem. Which of course means that I will be a negligent mother and skip Tummy Time this morning. My kid probably won't start crawling until he's 2 years old at this rate which just goes to show you how early Failure can start happening in the game of life.

Why am I running late? The kid was fussy all day yesterday and wouldn't take a good long nap. Thank god for the Baby Bjorn or I would have gotten nothing done. He finally went down at MIDNIGHT. Then he woke up at 4:30, ate like a lumberjack, then slept until 9:30 am While I am not complaining about such a luxurious stretch of sleep, I was counting on my little Alarm Clock to get me up at 7:30 am.

Anyway, Assvice Post coming later tonight. Here's a Teaser:

That Baby Will Get Sore From Being Passed Around!"
Picture this: me yanking the kid from someone's arm while screeching indignantly "Stop it! You're making him sore!"

I am so not making this shit up!!

Update as I head for the door:
New Mommy Discovery I made this morning while getting ready. This is really no feasible or practical way to put on deoderant while the kid is strapped into the Baby Bjorn. Choice must be made:
1) Be Stinky
2) Wake the Kid Up

As Phil on the Amazing Race would say - "each with its own pros and cons".

What sort of monkey is THAT?

That would be a Howler Monkey. You’d be howling too if you were having such a bad hair day yourself.

Well, the little guy is definitely getting fussier - just as the 30 day warranty period from the hospital has expired, of course. No exchanges or returns on THIS model, for sure. I keep telling X that at least he isn’t colicky - it’s all about perspective, right? Fortunately, when we finally can get him down for the night, he is a pretty good sleeper. Regardless of which time we go to bed, he starts squawking for food at around 1 am, then around 4 am, then finally around 6:30 am - the past two nights he has actually skipped the 1 am feeding. Believe it or not, I can survive on this schedule. Although I am getting a little loopy and emotional from the sleep deprivation, I am not completely insane yet, which makes all the difference. The hard part is if I would just nap during the day, life would progress much more smoothly. However, I am NOT a napper - never have been. I HATE sleeping in the middle of the day.

Anyway, I am still compiling Assvice and realized that since I will be receiving a new batch of goodies this Thursday, I should wait til next Monday to post it. I am a little nervous about this Thanksgiving - it is my first one in my new role as a mother. Now, I have entered a new level in the familial hierarchy - one in which I am no longer important and the kid has superceded me. It also has opened the door to brand-new criticisms, judgements, and comments. To make things extra Gooey Fun this year, Normal Olathe Grandma invited Crazy Leavenworth Grandma to our Thanksgiving shindig. The minute CLG heard there was going to be a TALENT SHOW, she started polishing her guitar. Put it this way - I am actually READING THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL TO MY CAMCORDER. This MUST be recorded for posterity’s sake.

So, while I am looking foward to one of my favorite holidays, I am also a little trepid with dragging the kid. I will have to make sure that he is wearing a hat AND socks (even though he will be sweating up a storm) and that his ribs aren’t showing too much from my starving him. In my family, mothers can do no right. I have watched for years as my own mother bore these comments on her own mothering skills. I am also nervous about the whole "passing of the baby" - everyone is going to be pawing at "my precious". I am not a germo-phobe by any means - for example, the Shopping Cart Condom was NOT on my baby registry. I just don't relish the kid getting his first cold just yet.

The Moral of the Story:
When I get too anxious about my family, I remember Anne. In my early college years, I had a co-worker named Anne. We had absolutely nothing in common, and certainly didn’t hang out socially . I’ll go out on a Snobby Limb and declare that she was really quite boring. However, despite all the people that I DID hang out with at that particuar job, she is the one I remember to this day, nearly 15 years later. Every holiday, I am reminded of her. Why? Anne had no family whatsoever. She was an only child, her parents were only children -- any other distant relatives she have had were long deceased. As someone who grew up with a large extended family, this was shocking to me. Most holidays were spent agonizing over the schedule of how I was going to make it to 3-4 places within a 24 hour period of time (luckily, having the largest house myself now affords me the luxury of inviting everyone to visit ME). Anyway, hearing Anne's story made me appreciate my obnoxious, over-bearing, and judgemental family. And this is why I have to remember Anne at the beginning of every holiday season. They drive me apeshit, but at least I have them. sigh

Have a great Thanksgiving! I really DO enjoy the holidays and Thanksgiving in particular. It's like Christmas, but without all the commercialism of buying gifts and such.

Can something random still be planned?

In another desperate bid for a Monkey Free post, I present for you 20 Random Things About Me- an idea stolen from Diana over at Piffle . Why Memes are the proverbial low-man in the realm of Blogging Material, I will never understand. I think they are fun to read AND fun to write.

You be the judge:

1. I LOVE playing cards - my favorite games are Canasta , Cribbage , Euchre , and Russian Bank

2. I have a terrible temper, but it burns out quickly. I need to work on this, obviously.

3. I enjoy washing dishes and for years, used my dishwasher as a drying rack. Even though I now use the dishwasher regularly thanks to pressure from X, I still wash quite a few by hand.

4. I collect Mad Magazines - I have many vintage copies from the 60s and unashamedly, I still add to my collection.

5. I was a practicing Muslim for 4 years in my early 20s. I didn’t cover my head, but I did do the prayers in Arabic and some of the fasting during Ramadan. The Muslim call to prayer still brings tears to my eyes because it is so beautiful.

6. I am now a Catholic, but will still teach my children the basic principles of most of the major religions. I don’t think you go to heaven or hell based on what you BELIEVE, but rather on what you DO.

7. My favorite concert of all time was a Pink Floyd concert. And I was completely sober during it. Oddly, my own mother had better seats than I did at that very concert.

8. Going to Pompeii in 2003 was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me - I had always wanted to go since I had first read about the city . It was very surreal when I finally made it there after so many years of dreaming about it since I was a child.

9. I flip for sunflower seeds - I am very particular about the brand I buy, the freshness and the storage of them. My favorite way to spend an afternoon is with a good book and fresh bag of seeds. When I went to Pakistan, I took 6 pounds with me - 1 pound for each week there. I ran out in week 4 because I was reading so much during the hot daylight hours when we stayed in the house.

10. I am currently reading Bee Season by Myla Goldberg. It is excellent so far and will make for an insightful discussion topic in the book club for which I am reading it.

11. I just finished The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler. It was a good book, but ironically I did not read it for a book club. Sadly, it would have been a great discussion topic and I wish I would have saved it for a book club selection.


12. In 1987, I won the award for “Outstanding Crew Member” at the McDonald’s in which I worked at the time. The plaque is hanging in my office right now.

13. I collect coins and paper currency. I have a pretty extensive foreign money collection - my two favorite coins are from Kenya and Israel. My two favorite pieces of paper money are from Singapore and Lebanon.

14. I love to drive fast. The fastest I have ever driven was 110 MPH. It scared the crap out of me, but it gave me the best adrenaline rush EVER.

15. It really irritates me when people automatically assume I don’t like dogs just because I am a cat owner. I LOVE dogs - I just haven’t had a lifestyle conducive to owning one lately.

16. I am currently listening to Madonna’s new album “Confessions on the Dance Floor”. It totally ROCKS.

17. I used to run Cross Country in high school and 10K races on the weekends. I didn’t really enjoy running long distance, but I loved the workout and had the best track seasons afterwards as a result.

18. Oprah irritates the crap out of me, but I still watch her.

19. In Junior High, some kids made fun of me by calling me Dictionary Girl because I used big words they didn’t understand. Little did they know, I was secretly proud of the nickname because I actually DID read the dictionary as they claimed.

20. My favorite currently running TV shows are Arrested Development, Everybody Loves Chris, My Name is Earl and Veronica Mars.